The wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So She decides to do a DNA test. Then This Happens
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!
There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, impeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
The lesson? Don't mess with old people.
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
This Crazy Woman Threatened To Total His Car If He Parked It On The Curb. His Comeback Is Simply Genius.
I lived across the street from a very bored stay-at-home mom whose excess idle time turned her into an insufferable busybody.
Her husband backed out of the driveway and slammed into my roommate's car parked on the curb. He apologized, gave us his insurance info, and took care of it. He was never a problem, because he accepted responsibility for what he did.
His wife, however, demanded that we never ever park any cars at the curb again, because "we can't get out of our driveway otherwise". The street was very wide - she was just completely unable to accept that the accident was her husband's fault, and figured we were somehow responsible for it, ergo we were responsible for preventing it in the future.
We told her that we would avoid parking there whenever possible, but that we still had the legal right to park on the street, and that if necessary we would still do so, and that it was her and her husband's responsibility to avoid hitting other people's legally parked cars when backing out of the driveway. She wasn't happy with that answer, but just told us we better stay out of her family's way, and stormed off.
One day, she came storming over, banging on the front door, cussing us out. We got her on our security camera saying "If you don't move that car in the next 10 minutes, I am going to total it with my truck. It'll be your fault, and you'll have to pay for the damage to my vehicle". To this, I simply responded: "I don't know whose car that is, but I didn't park it there. I have you on camera, so if you do anything to that car, I'll have to call the police and hand over this tape". She then threatened to sue me for invasion of privacy for recording her, and still insisted that we move the car, even though it wasn't our property. We just ignored her, and she did not do anything to the car - we did keep the recording though.
A few weeks later, I had a friend visit from out of town. He parked his car on the curb, and then started unloading some stuff from his trunk. She came storming out, screaming and cussing at him "I have told you repeatedly never park your car on this curb. If you don't move it, I am going to total it, and you can pay for a new goddamn car, as well as the damage you do to mine!" He tried to calm her down, and asked if there was somewhere else he could park, and she replied "You can park it in Hell, because that's where you'll be after I kill you!".
Unfortunately for her, he had his dashcam running the whole time, and it captured everything. He called the police, and she was arrested for threatening to commit vandalism and for threatening violence.
A few days later, she left a long-winded hate-letter in our mailbox. It was written as if it were an open letter from the entire neighborhood, and it basically said that "nobody knows who you are", and "Everyone wishes you would move away", and "Nobody wants you living in our neighborhood".
Thing is, she forgot about the security cameras. I took the video of her opening my mailbox -which included her taking all our letters out of the mailbox and rifling through them - and I gave them to the post office. This led to her getting arrested for a second time that week.
After that, we used her two arrests, our collection of security and dashcam footage, and her letter to get a restraining order against her that actually prohibited her from entering her own home, and then we called the police every time we saw her because she was in violation of the order.
She ended up having to live in a hotel room, and her husband came over, apologized to us, and asked if we would drop the restraining order so his wife could come home. I told him I would do it, but only if she wrote me, my wife, our roommates, and the friend of mine she threatened a 1 -page apology for her harassment - and that she would promise to never ever contact us again for any reason whatsoever moving forward.
I received no apology, and the house went on the market a week later.
Best moment I ever had in a Wal-Mart.
I was in Colorado Springs. I had a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a couple of other things.
This woman whose cart was overflowing, almost runs me over to get in front of me at the 10 items line.
The woman starts to unload her cart onto the checkout stand and the cashier says,'Which ten items would you like, ma'am?"
The woman stops and says, "What?"
The cashier responds in a calm, patient tone,
"This is a ten items or less express line."
While speaking she holds up both hands showing all ten fingers. Then she pointed to the sign above the lane which read Ten Items or Less in both English and Spanish.
The woman gets all red in the face and says, "I want all of this!"
The cashier, "Ma'am, I'm sorry. As I said, this is a ten items or less line, please choose the ten items you'd like to purchase today."
The woman at this point lets out this noise that sounds like someone poked one of those screaming goats and shoved her still overflowing cart as hard as she could. It almost hit this little old man sitting on a bench. Then she gave all of us who were laughing at her the finger, said "F*ck you!"and stormed out.
I purchased my items and tipped the cashier a $20 for the best improv comedy moment I'd seen in years.
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry I'll run if I'm able! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”
(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)
Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”
(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)
Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”
Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”
Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”
(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)
Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”
(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)
Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”
(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)
Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”
Me: “I-I-I, um...”
Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”
Me: “Uh, you, um...”
Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”
His Friend Had Promised He'd Pay Him Tomorrow But One Month Later He Was Avoiding Him. How He Made Him Pay Up Is Genius.
This just happened. I wanted to share because frankly, it's hilarious.
(Also, I'm 29, not 7 years old like you might guess from reading the title.)
So back in May, I had tickets to a concert that I couldn't attend. I posted on a local ticket exchange group, and a 'friend' of mine, let's call him Tom, because his name is Tom, said he was interested. I paid $40, but me, being Mr. Nice Guy said "Here's the tickets, I was asking $40 but you can pay me $35." Tom says "Great thanks, I'll pay you tomorrow."
Great, ticket sold.
Tomorrow became next week. No worries, I know this guy, right?
I message him, He says "oh hey sure I'll pay you end of the week, sorry about that."
Sure, sounds good.
A month goes by, nothing. I message him, I text him. I see he's seeing my messages but I don't hear back.
"Well that's shitty" I say to myself.
I give it a few weeks. Shockingly, no $35!
Well then. How about some good old public shaming?
I post a very nicely worded message on his FB page.
Five minutes later, my post is deleted. No reply, no text, no messages, nothing. Well that's pretty shitty, eh?
I give it another day. Nothing.
Well I have an ace up my sleeve. I didn't want it to come to this, but I happen to know that he works at his mothers coffee shop down the street. Nice lady. The apple must have fallen down a cliff with this kid.
I call the store. "Hi, is Mrs. (Tom's mother) there? Great thanks."
I explain the situation and ask if there is anything she can do to help me. She apologizes, and says she will take care of it. As she is putting down the phone, I hear a loud "TOOMMMM?! GET OVER HERE!!" click
Ten minutes later, a notification that $50 has been transferred to my account
Mess with the Bull, I call your mom. Sorry, Tom.
His Roommate Would Use His Stuff Without His Permission All The Time. How He Taught Him A Lesson Is Gold
My roommate doesn't pay for things we both use (i.e. hand soap, toilet paper, etc.) and also has a bad habit of taking things from our fridge that isn't his. Mainly he likes to take my ice (it may seem like a small thing but with no AC, living relatively near the equator, and having our actual fridge part of our fridge fucked up we use a lot of ice). I don't mind sharing if he's out but I rarely get any ice at all it seems.
Now the both of us have our own ice tray but he never fills his up. I filled his once and he still took mine because, in his words, "your ice tray makes neater ice and it's easier to get the ice out," (It's not fancy, I just spent more than $1 on my ice tray). I've approached him several times about it and he just nods his head, says he gets it, then nothing ever changes. At that point I figured some people just had to learn some lessons the hard way.
I waited until we had run out of toilet paper and told him it was his turn to buy some (knowing full well he wouldn't), then, before I left for work the next day, I filled up my ice tray with a mixture of water and a fair amount of Magnesium Citrate (simply put it acts as a super laxative) in every cube slot.
When I got home I heard him calling from the bathroom for me and he told me that I had to go get some toilet paper. I carried on that conversation for about 20 minutes before I relented and left to get some. I came back about an hour later with a roll of single-ply skilcraft I had taken from my work before I had even left.
This all happened about an hour ago and he's already gone out and bought a few dozen rolls of toilet paper so I'd call this a success.