Joke of the day

His Roommate Would Use His Stuff Without His Permission All The Time. How He Taught Him A Lesson Is Gold

My roommate doesn't pay for things we both use (i.e. hand soap, toilet paper, etc.) and also has a bad habit of taking things from our fridge that isn't his. Mainly he likes to take my ice (it may seem like a small thing but with no AC, living relatively near the equator, and having our actual fridge part of our fridge fucked up we use a lot of ice). I don't mind sharing if he's out but I rarely get any ice at all it seems.

Now the both of us have our own ice tray but he never fills his up. I filled his once and he still took mine because, in his words, "your ice tray makes neater ice and it's easier to get the ice out," (It's not fancy, I just spent more than $1 on my ice tray). I've approached him several times about it and he just nods his head, says he gets it, then nothing ever changes. At that point I figured some people just had to learn some lessons the hard way.

I waited until we had run out of toilet paper and told him it was his turn to buy some (knowing full well he wouldn't), then, before I left for work the next day, I filled up my ice tray with a mixture of water and a fair amount of Magnesium Citrate (simply put it acts as a super laxative) in every cube slot.

When I got home I heard him calling from the bathroom for me and he told me that I had to go get some toilet paper. I carried on that conversation for about 20 minutes before I relented and left to get some. I came back about an hour later with a roll of single-ply skilcraft I had taken from my work before I had even left.

This all happened about an hour ago and he's already gone out and bought a few dozen rolls of toilet paper so I'd call this a success.

Tags: roommate , man

She Instantly Liked The Cute Guy Who Entered Her Store. But Is Stunned When This Happened As She Handed Him His Order.

(A really cute guy is on my line to buy his coffee, engrossed on his phone, texting.)

Cute guy: *still looking down at his phone*"A small Caramel Frap, please.Thanks."

Me:"Coming right up!"

(I prepare his order and come back to the counter to hand him his order.)

Me:"Here you go, sir.That'll be $4.05."

(He hands me a $5 bill and finally looks up at me. He freezes, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. I blush. This goes on for about 10 awkward seconds until he blinks rapidly.)

Cute guy:"Uhh... Yeah... Ok... I... I., uhm... I." *takes a deep breath* "Has this happened to you before?"

Me:"Uh, I am not sure what you're talking about."

Cute guy: "This!"*points his finger alternately between the two of us*

Me: "I don't really follow."

Cute guy: "You know, a guy sees your pretty face and he freezes and he almost drool? And it's so obvious that he's attracted to you big time?"

(The whole shop stands still.Their attention is on us. The other customers giggle while the others go "aw".)

Me: *I blush 10 shades darker* "Uh, not really."

(He snatches the $5 bill from my hand and takes a $100 bill from his wallet and shoves it to me.)

Tags: cute guy , woman , man

If You're A Woman And At The Public Restroom, You Know The Drill - But It's Never Been Said THIS Accurately.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume"

The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold'The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN therewas no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's stillsmaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too

At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets

with the automatic sensors,.....so you wipe your

hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!

They Were Listening To Comments Made By State Troopers To Offenders. But Couldn't Stop Laughing When They Heard This.

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven"

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

ANDTHE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Tags: woman , police

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle. Then This Happens

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.

The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.

When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"

The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."

Tags: military , battle , man , crew

In the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. This is story about Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...

And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

Tags: Samsung , monk , note 7

A Thinner Woman Told A Bigger One That She Had No Business Wearing What She Was Buying. Geez Was She In For Some Embarrassment.

So this happens this morning.. Jol!

It's going to be a hot one today and I'm wearing a long halter style sun dress. I stop at the grocery store for a couple things and while standing in line....a few people behind me and one in front of me yet. There's a younger, thin & pretty lady behind me. She leaned over to me and said...quietly but not quiet enough.J'honey, older & larger ladies really shouldn't wear dresses like that.Jt's not very flattering".

Without batting an eye or hesitating...! put a shocked look on my face, looked down at myself and said VERY loudly "OMG! I'm a larger lady? Why didn't somebody tell me?!!" and her face turned bright red....then with my sweetest smile....! added "Honey (emphasis on honey) ...I dress for my comfort....not yours".

The lady at the register had the biggest grin on her face and the other people in line actually applauded.

People.....dress for you....it's hot....be

comfortable...piss on those that aren't!

Love you all!

Tags: woman , thinner , bigger , women

This Teacher Gets The Best Revenge On Two Students Who Lied About Their Work.

My Mom was a language teacher at my high school and years after I had graduated, she called me kind of upset because a group of guys were trying to make her look dumb.

The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish, and had a week or so to prepare it, then had to perform it in front of the class.

When she called for them to do theirs, they said, "But we already did ours, we're not doing it again."

She said, "You definitely didn't do it, I don't have any record of it here and I would remember it if you had."

They refused to do it, insisting they already performed it and that it was her fault she didn't take notes/scores down.

She was feeling puzzled and questioning herself, when one of the good kids came and said, "They didn't do it - they were bragging about making you look stupid and threatened the whole class if they told you anything. But please don't tell them I told you this, I don't want any problems with them."

(These were those stereotypical dumb jock types who everyone was scared of for whatever reason).

My mom was really into yoga at the time and got a great idea while meditating. She went in the next day and said, "Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don't know how I forgot!"

She went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, that their dialogue hadn't been as long as required, that they didn't include the necessary vocabulary, etc. All made up. She failed them all on the project and they couldn't do a thing about it without admitting they'd made it all up.

His Landlord Would Blame Him Everytime He Complained About The Roaches. How He Made Him Pay BIGTIME Is Hilarious.

So, a few years back, my family went through some pretty horrible stuff, and ended up moving into a trailer park. It didn't look too awful as far as trailer parks go, and it was (barely) cheap enough to afford at the time, so we swallowed our doubts and moved in.

The first night, we discover there are bed bugs and roaches. Report the problem to the landlord the next morning, and he says we must have brought them in! That was our first clue that living there was going to be a problem.

Fast forward a couple of years, and we've got roaches that are immune to every poison on Earth. No amount of cleaning can even get rid of the smell of the bugs (yes, they smell!!!).

There's a water leak every couple of weeks, and the landlord just sends a guy out to cut down the existing water hoses and re-fasten them every time instead of replacing the rotting water lines. Our water heater is falling through the floor. Rats and opossums are coming up through the heat vents in the floor. The ceiling leaks, and there's a spot in the floor where you can stomp and knock power out to half the trailer. It was horrible. Every time we complained or asked for something to be fixed-anything!-this idiot would say it was our fault. He never treated for roaches (we did manage to kill off the bed bugs, but only after spending almost a thousand dollars and literally steam cleaning every inch of the place), never fixed the gaping holes in the heating conduits under the trailer, never fixed the leaks in the ceiling...even being threatened by the Health Department didn't get this guy off his ass.

So...we got another slow leak, this time behind the bath tub. It was a wet winter, so our yard was a swamp anyway. The landlord paid the water bill, and the meters were set up so it was impossible to tell which trailer had the leak. So we decided to just let it leak. All. Winter. Long.

The first month, he was bitching in the office one day about how high his water bill was. By the second month, the leak had started spraying water at the back of our tub, so it was bigger.

His water bill went up again. By December, it was obvious there was a big problem, and he called the water company out to "investigate." We turned our water off while they were there so they couldn't pinpoint the leak if they pressure tested the lines (which they didn't do anyway, lol), and as soon as they left, we turned it back on.

By January, his water bills were so high that his "partner" came up, thinking he must be embezzling funds from the utility account. They called the water company again, and were told that the only way to fix the problem would be to seal the main water line that ran the entire length of the park. Basically, a crew comes out and blows a high pressure stream of some chemical that hardens on contact with the walls of the pipe and seals them-and it's a loooong pipe, lol. The 'repair" estimate was $25,000 for a problem that didn't even exist.

For five days, the crew was at the park, blowing this funk into the pipe and checking to see if they had fixed the leak. We waited until the entire length of the pipe had been coated, then fixed the leak ourselves. It cost us $14.

Tags: landlord , couple , man

Man In Line At Burger King Decides To Teach Annoying Kid And His Mother A Lesson In Manners.

Everyone has experienced an unruly child in a public place, but one man was so fed up by a child whining nearby that he took matters into his own hands to get revenge.

The man, who shared his story on Reddit, said he was in a long line at Burger King when a mother and child got in line behind him. The child, he said, was acting up from the moment he arrived at the fast food chain.

"This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game," Redditor THR111 wrote."The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of' I want a f***ing PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine..."

The man explained that he tried to get the mother to take her child out of the line, but she didn't respond well.

"I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, she's still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much."

The complaining continued for several minutes until the man got to the front of the line. Realizing he couldn't just let the obnoxious child off the hook, he did something that would ensure he'd learn his lesson.

"All I can think of is how the people behind me ruined my splurge and gave me this headache. I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit," he wrote.

"Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away."

Tags: man , kid , mom , mother , woman