A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. He never expects The Interviewer to ask this
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. He never Expects This to happen
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote. She Never Expects This
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.
Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."
As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"
And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.
Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.
As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.
It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."
Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."
Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...
I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
This happened to me yesterday. I'm in my last year of med school and am spending a month in an outpatient internal medicine clinic working with "Dr. Jones."
Dr. Jones told me that the next patient, a 75 year old lady named "Mrs. Smith," was undergoing chemotherapy for a really early grade lymphoma. Not a big deal. Nowadays it's a chronic disease... you'll die with the lymphoma, not from it. Anyway, Mrs. Smith was presenting with a cough that was unrelated to her lymphoma. I went in to see Mrs. Smith.
"So Mrs. Smith, how long have you had this cough? any other symptoms? You coughing up anything?" etc. Then I say "So I understand you just finished chemotherapy. Is that correct?"
"and that was for...?"
"that was for...?"
"that was for a lymphoma. Correct?"
"wait. I have lymphoma?"
"um, yes. I was under the impression that you have a low grade lymphoma. Is that correct?"
"I have lymphoma?? I have lymphoma? are you saying I have lymphoma??"
"Well, you have a blood-based neoplasia. Is that correct?
A lymphoma. Or a leukemia."
"I have leukemia??! What are you saying?? Oh no!!"
"well, I must be mistaken. Don't worry, I'll talk to the doctor about this and we'll square things out. Anyway, about your cough..."
I was in a panic. How could this woman not know that she had a lymphoma? She was undergoing chemotherapy for something. She had to know what it was, right? Maybe she was in denial and never actually heard the words lymphoma. I was so nervous. I was sweating bullets. I rushed through a throat and lung exam and ran back into Dr. Jones' office.
"Dr. Jones, you're gonna kill me. I told Mrs. Smith she has a lymphoma and she said 'I have a lymphoma??'"
She responds, "oh, well, we'll figure that out."
So we go into the room together. Dr. Jones sits down next to Mrs. Smith, puts her hand on her shoulder, looks her in the eye and says, "Mrs. Smith, you know you have a lymphoma, right?"
"Yeah, I do. I was just messing around with your med student."