A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
This happened to me yesterday. I'm in my last year of med school and am spending a month in an outpatient internal medicine clinic working with "Dr. Jones."
Dr. Jones told me that the next patient, a 75 year old lady named "Mrs. Smith," was undergoing chemotherapy for a really early grade lymphoma. Not a big deal. Nowadays it's a chronic disease... you'll die with the lymphoma, not from it. Anyway, Mrs. Smith was presenting with a cough that was unrelated to her lymphoma. I went in to see Mrs. Smith.
"So Mrs. Smith, how long have you had this cough? any other symptoms? You coughing up anything?" etc. Then I say "So I understand you just finished chemotherapy. Is that correct?"
"and that was for...?"
"that was for...?"
"that was for a lymphoma. Correct?"
"wait. I have lymphoma?"
"um, yes. I was under the impression that you have a low grade lymphoma. Is that correct?"
"I have lymphoma?? I have lymphoma? are you saying I have lymphoma??"
"Well, you have a blood-based neoplasia. Is that correct?
A lymphoma. Or a leukemia."
"I have leukemia??! What are you saying?? Oh no!!"
"well, I must be mistaken. Don't worry, I'll talk to the doctor about this and we'll square things out. Anyway, about your cough..."
I was in a panic. How could this woman not know that she had a lymphoma? She was undergoing chemotherapy for something. She had to know what it was, right? Maybe she was in denial and never actually heard the words lymphoma. I was so nervous. I was sweating bullets. I rushed through a throat and lung exam and ran back into Dr. Jones' office.
"Dr. Jones, you're gonna kill me. I told Mrs. Smith she has a lymphoma and she said 'I have a lymphoma??'"
She responds, "oh, well, we'll figure that out."
So we go into the room together. Dr. Jones sits down next to Mrs. Smith, puts her hand on her shoulder, looks her in the eye and says, "Mrs. Smith, you know you have a lymphoma, right?"
"Yeah, I do. I was just messing around with your med student."
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
submitted 4 hours ago by Scarlet-Janefox
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
The wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So She decides to do a DNA test. Then This Happens
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!
There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, impeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
The lesson? Don't mess with old people.
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
This Crazy Woman Threatened To Total His Car If He Parked It On The Curb. His Comeback Is Simply Genius.
I lived across the street from a very bored stay-at-home mom whose excess idle time turned her into an insufferable busybody.
Her husband backed out of the driveway and slammed into my roommate's car parked on the curb. He apologized, gave us his insurance info, and took care of it. He was never a problem, because he accepted responsibility for what he did.
His wife, however, demanded that we never ever park any cars at the curb again, because "we can't get out of our driveway otherwise". The street was very wide - she was just completely unable to accept that the accident was her husband's fault, and figured we were somehow responsible for it, ergo we were responsible for preventing it in the future.
We told her that we would avoid parking there whenever possible, but that we still had the legal right to park on the street, and that if necessary we would still do so, and that it was her and her husband's responsibility to avoid hitting other people's legally parked cars when backing out of the driveway. She wasn't happy with that answer, but just told us we better stay out of her family's way, and stormed off.
One day, she came storming over, banging on the front door, cussing us out. We got her on our security camera saying "If you don't move that car in the next 10 minutes, I am going to total it with my truck. It'll be your fault, and you'll have to pay for the damage to my vehicle". To this, I simply responded: "I don't know whose car that is, but I didn't park it there. I have you on camera, so if you do anything to that car, I'll have to call the police and hand over this tape". She then threatened to sue me for invasion of privacy for recording her, and still insisted that we move the car, even though it wasn't our property. We just ignored her, and she did not do anything to the car - we did keep the recording though.
A few weeks later, I had a friend visit from out of town. He parked his car on the curb, and then started unloading some stuff from his trunk. She came storming out, screaming and cussing at him "I have told you repeatedly never park your car on this curb. If you don't move it, I am going to total it, and you can pay for a new goddamn car, as well as the damage you do to mine!" He tried to calm her down, and asked if there was somewhere else he could park, and she replied "You can park it in Hell, because that's where you'll be after I kill you!".
Unfortunately for her, he had his dashcam running the whole time, and it captured everything. He called the police, and she was arrested for threatening to commit vandalism and for threatening violence.
A few days later, she left a long-winded hate-letter in our mailbox. It was written as if it were an open letter from the entire neighborhood, and it basically said that "nobody knows who you are", and "Everyone wishes you would move away", and "Nobody wants you living in our neighborhood".
Thing is, she forgot about the security cameras. I took the video of her opening my mailbox -which included her taking all our letters out of the mailbox and rifling through them - and I gave them to the post office. This led to her getting arrested for a second time that week.
After that, we used her two arrests, our collection of security and dashcam footage, and her letter to get a restraining order against her that actually prohibited her from entering her own home, and then we called the police every time we saw her because she was in violation of the order.
She ended up having to live in a hotel room, and her husband came over, apologized to us, and asked if we would drop the restraining order so his wife could come home. I told him I would do it, but only if she wrote me, my wife, our roommates, and the friend of mine she threatened a 1 -page apology for her harassment - and that she would promise to never ever contact us again for any reason whatsoever moving forward.
I received no apology, and the house went on the market a week later.