Best moment I ever had in a Wal-Mart.
I was in Colorado Springs. I had a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a couple of other things.
This woman whose cart was overflowing, almost runs me over to get in front of me at the 10 items line.
The woman starts to unload her cart onto the checkout stand and the cashier says,'Which ten items would you like, ma'am?"
The woman stops and says, "What?"
The cashier responds in a calm, patient tone,
"This is a ten items or less express line."
While speaking she holds up both hands showing all ten fingers. Then she pointed to the sign above the lane which read Ten Items or Less in both English and Spanish.
The woman gets all red in the face and says, "I want all of this!"
The cashier, "Ma'am, I'm sorry. As I said, this is a ten items or less line, please choose the ten items you'd like to purchase today."
The woman at this point lets out this noise that sounds like someone poked one of those screaming goats and shoved her still overflowing cart as hard as she could. It almost hit this little old man sitting on a bench. Then she gave all of us who were laughing at her the finger, said "F*ck you!"and stormed out.
I purchased my items and tipped the cashier a $20 for the best improv comedy moment I'd seen in years.
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry I'll run if I'm able! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”
(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)
Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”
(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)
Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”
Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”
Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”
(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)
Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”
(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)
Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”
(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)
Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”
Me: “I-I-I, um...”
Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”
Me: “Uh, you, um...”
Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”
His Friend Had Promised He'd Pay Him Tomorrow But One Month Later He Was Avoiding Him. How He Made Him Pay Up Is Genius.
This just happened. I wanted to share because frankly, it's hilarious.
(Also, I'm 29, not 7 years old like you might guess from reading the title.)
So back in May, I had tickets to a concert that I couldn't attend. I posted on a local ticket exchange group, and a 'friend' of mine, let's call him Tom, because his name is Tom, said he was interested. I paid $40, but me, being Mr. Nice Guy said "Here's the tickets, I was asking $40 but you can pay me $35." Tom says "Great thanks, I'll pay you tomorrow."
Great, ticket sold.
Tomorrow became next week. No worries, I know this guy, right?
I message him, He says "oh hey sure I'll pay you end of the week, sorry about that."
Sure, sounds good.
A month goes by, nothing. I message him, I text him. I see he's seeing my messages but I don't hear back.
"Well that's shitty" I say to myself.
I give it a few weeks. Shockingly, no $35!
Well then. How about some good old public shaming?
I post a very nicely worded message on his FB page.
Five minutes later, my post is deleted. No reply, no text, no messages, nothing. Well that's pretty shitty, eh?
I give it another day. Nothing.
Well I have an ace up my sleeve. I didn't want it to come to this, but I happen to know that he works at his mothers coffee shop down the street. Nice lady. The apple must have fallen down a cliff with this kid.
I call the store. "Hi, is Mrs. (Tom's mother) there? Great thanks."
I explain the situation and ask if there is anything she can do to help me. She apologizes, and says she will take care of it. As she is putting down the phone, I hear a loud "TOOMMMM?! GET OVER HERE!!" click
Ten minutes later, a notification that $50 has been transferred to my account
Mess with the Bull, I call your mom. Sorry, Tom.
His Roommate Would Use His Stuff Without His Permission All The Time. How He Taught Him A Lesson Is Gold
My roommate doesn't pay for things we both use (i.e. hand soap, toilet paper, etc.) and also has a bad habit of taking things from our fridge that isn't his. Mainly he likes to take my ice (it may seem like a small thing but with no AC, living relatively near the equator, and having our actual fridge part of our fridge fucked up we use a lot of ice). I don't mind sharing if he's out but I rarely get any ice at all it seems.
Now the both of us have our own ice tray but he never fills his up. I filled his once and he still took mine because, in his words, "your ice tray makes neater ice and it's easier to get the ice out," (It's not fancy, I just spent more than $1 on my ice tray). I've approached him several times about it and he just nods his head, says he gets it, then nothing ever changes. At that point I figured some people just had to learn some lessons the hard way.
I waited until we had run out of toilet paper and told him it was his turn to buy some (knowing full well he wouldn't), then, before I left for work the next day, I filled up my ice tray with a mixture of water and a fair amount of Magnesium Citrate (simply put it acts as a super laxative) in every cube slot.
When I got home I heard him calling from the bathroom for me and he told me that I had to go get some toilet paper. I carried on that conversation for about 20 minutes before I relented and left to get some. I came back about an hour later with a roll of single-ply skilcraft I had taken from my work before I had even left.
This all happened about an hour ago and he's already gone out and bought a few dozen rolls of toilet paper so I'd call this a success.
She Instantly Liked The Cute Guy Who Entered Her Store. But Is Stunned When This Happened As She Handed Him His Order.
(A really cute guy is on my line to buy his coffee, engrossed on his phone, texting.)
Cute guy: *still looking down at his phone*"A small Caramel Frap, please.Thanks."
Me:"Coming right up!"
(I prepare his order and come back to the counter to hand him his order.)
Me:"Here you go, sir.That'll be $4.05."
(He hands me a $5 bill and finally looks up at me. He freezes, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. I blush. This goes on for about 10 awkward seconds until he blinks rapidly.)
Cute guy:"Uhh... Yeah... Ok... I... I., uhm... I." *takes a deep breath* "Has this happened to you before?"
Me:"Uh, I am not sure what you're talking about."
Cute guy: "This!"*points his finger alternately between the two of us*
Me: "I don't really follow."
Cute guy: "You know, a guy sees your pretty face and he freezes and he almost drool? And it's so obvious that he's attracted to you big time?"
(The whole shop stands still.Their attention is on us. The other customers giggle while the others go "aw".)
Me: *I blush 10 shades darker* "Uh, not really."
(He snatches the $5 bill from my hand and takes a $100 bill from his wallet and shoves it to me.)
If You're A Woman And At The Public Restroom, You Know The Drill - But It's Never Been Said THIS Accurately.
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume"
In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold'The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN therewas no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's stillsmaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too
At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets
with the automatic sensors,.....so you wipe your
hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
They Were Listening To Comments Made By State Troopers To Offenders. But Couldn't Stop Laughing When They Heard This.
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven"
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
ANDTHE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.
The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.
The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.
When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"
The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."