Joke of the day

A Thinner Woman Told A Bigger One That She Had No Business Wearing What She Was Buying. Geez Was She In For Some Embarrassment.

So this happens this morning.. Jol!

It's going to be a hot one today and I'm wearing a long halter style sun dress. I stop at the grocery store for a couple things and while standing in line....a few people behind me and one in front of me yet. There's a younger, thin & pretty lady behind me. She leaned over to me and said...quietly but not quiet enough.J'honey, older & larger ladies really shouldn't wear dresses like that.Jt's not very flattering".

Without batting an eye or hesitating...! put a shocked look on my face, looked down at myself and said VERY loudly "OMG! I'm a larger lady? Why didn't somebody tell me?!!" and her face turned bright red....then with my sweetest smile....! added "Honey (emphasis on honey) ...I dress for my comfort....not yours".

The lady at the register had the biggest grin on her face and the other people in line actually applauded.

People.....dress for you....it's hot....be

comfortable...piss on those that aren't!

Love you all!

Tags: woman , thinner , bigger , women

This Teacher Gets The Best Revenge On Two Students Who Lied About Their Work.

My Mom was a language teacher at my high school and years after I had graduated, she called me kind of upset because a group of guys were trying to make her look dumb.

The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish, and had a week or so to prepare it, then had to perform it in front of the class.

When she called for them to do theirs, they said, "But we already did ours, we're not doing it again."

She said, "You definitely didn't do it, I don't have any record of it here and I would remember it if you had."

They refused to do it, insisting they already performed it and that it was her fault she didn't take notes/scores down.

She was feeling puzzled and questioning herself, when one of the good kids came and said, "They didn't do it - they were bragging about making you look stupid and threatened the whole class if they told you anything. But please don't tell them I told you this, I don't want any problems with them."

(These were those stereotypical dumb jock types who everyone was scared of for whatever reason).

My mom was really into yoga at the time and got a great idea while meditating. She went in the next day and said, "Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don't know how I forgot!"

She went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, that their dialogue hadn't been as long as required, that they didn't include the necessary vocabulary, etc. All made up. She failed them all on the project and they couldn't do a thing about it without admitting they'd made it all up.

His Landlord Would Blame Him Everytime He Complained About The Roaches. How He Made Him Pay BIGTIME Is Hilarious.

So, a few years back, my family went through some pretty horrible stuff, and ended up moving into a trailer park. It didn't look too awful as far as trailer parks go, and it was (barely) cheap enough to afford at the time, so we swallowed our doubts and moved in.

The first night, we discover there are bed bugs and roaches. Report the problem to the landlord the next morning, and he says we must have brought them in! That was our first clue that living there was going to be a problem.

Fast forward a couple of years, and we've got roaches that are immune to every poison on Earth. No amount of cleaning can even get rid of the smell of the bugs (yes, they smell!!!).

There's a water leak every couple of weeks, and the landlord just sends a guy out to cut down the existing water hoses and re-fasten them every time instead of replacing the rotting water lines. Our water heater is falling through the floor. Rats and opossums are coming up through the heat vents in the floor. The ceiling leaks, and there's a spot in the floor where you can stomp and knock power out to half the trailer. It was horrible. Every time we complained or asked for something to be fixed-anything!-this idiot would say it was our fault. He never treated for roaches (we did manage to kill off the bed bugs, but only after spending almost a thousand dollars and literally steam cleaning every inch of the place), never fixed the gaping holes in the heating conduits under the trailer, never fixed the leaks in the ceiling...even being threatened by the Health Department didn't get this guy off his ass.

So...we got another slow leak, this time behind the bath tub. It was a wet winter, so our yard was a swamp anyway. The landlord paid the water bill, and the meters were set up so it was impossible to tell which trailer had the leak. So we decided to just let it leak. All. Winter. Long.

The first month, he was bitching in the office one day about how high his water bill was. By the second month, the leak had started spraying water at the back of our tub, so it was bigger.

His water bill went up again. By December, it was obvious there was a big problem, and he called the water company out to "investigate." We turned our water off while they were there so they couldn't pinpoint the leak if they pressure tested the lines (which they didn't do anyway, lol), and as soon as they left, we turned it back on.

By January, his water bills were so high that his "partner" came up, thinking he must be embezzling funds from the utility account. They called the water company again, and were told that the only way to fix the problem would be to seal the main water line that ran the entire length of the park. Basically, a crew comes out and blows a high pressure stream of some chemical that hardens on contact with the walls of the pipe and seals them-and it's a loooong pipe, lol. The 'repair" estimate was $25,000 for a problem that didn't even exist.

For five days, the crew was at the park, blowing this funk into the pipe and checking to see if they had fixed the leak. We waited until the entire length of the pipe had been coated, then fixed the leak ourselves. It cost us $14.

Tags: landlord , couple , man

Man In Line At Burger King Decides To Teach Annoying Kid And His Mother A Lesson In Manners.

Everyone has experienced an unruly child in a public place, but one man was so fed up by a child whining nearby that he took matters into his own hands to get revenge.

The man, who shared his story on Reddit, said he was in a long line at Burger King when a mother and child got in line behind him. The child, he said, was acting up from the moment he arrived at the fast food chain.

"This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game," Redditor THR111 wrote."The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of' I want a f***ing PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine..."

The man explained that he tried to get the mother to take her child out of the line, but she didn't respond well.

"I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, she's still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much."

The complaining continued for several minutes until the man got to the front of the line. Realizing he couldn't just let the obnoxious child off the hook, he did something that would ensure he'd learn his lesson.

"All I can think of is how the people behind me ruined my splurge and gave me this headache. I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit," he wrote.

"Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away."

Tags: man , kid , mom , mother , woman

The Salesmen At A Luxury Store Treated Him Terribly Because Of His Clothes. But How He Reacted Is Perfect.

I'm in Woodfield and made my mind up that I'm going to buy a luxury watch (finally). So I walk into a VERY high end watch dealer to buy one. I'm an easy sell, I already know what I want. The MOMENT I walk into the store, the gentleman sees me and has "eyes" with the other salesman and customer that are in store. I'm wearing a cutoff shirt, shorts, tattoos and I'm "young".

The THREE salesman and ONE customer are in business suits or better. The salesman says "I'm afraid we're available by appointment only, I'm going to have to ask you to leave". HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME TO BOOK AN APPOINTMENT. Just to leave. There are three sales people??

I pull out my business card and hand it to him. I direct his eyes to where it says GENERAL MANAGER OF **** And I politely tell him: "okay! I'm going to go buy my $3,000 watch online now. Have a great day."

TWO OF THE SALES PEOPLE LITERALLY CHASED ME OUTTO MY CARTO COME BACK IN AND BUY. Like... BYEEEE

Sorry that not everyone walks around in tuxedos? And I KNOW you would have made at least 10% commission on that sale.

Tags: salesman , man , men

This Old Lady Puts Young Cashier In His Place After He Says This At The Register.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right — our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Tags: old man , lady , young , cashier

A Man Called A Locksmith Because He Couldn’t Get In His Car, But Was Stunned When He Said This.

I'll preface this by saying I'm usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I'll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker - as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nada.

I call a locksmith, explain that I'm locked out of my car. He says he'll be right over. 20 minutes later he arrives. He walks up with his tools, inserts a thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff in the doorjamb. He starts making conversation as it inflates, pushing the door open:

'So locked your keys in the car? No problem sir, I'll have it open in a minute.'

'No, my keys are right here, my key fob is dead.' I replied.

He stops and for about 10 seconds. Doesn't say a word. He sees my keys in my hands. Takes them from me, inserts them in the lock and opens the door.

I was mortified. I was so in a habit of opening the doors with my remote fob that I entirely forgot that keys could be used to unlock cars manually. He started laughing so hard I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. After he stopped laughing, he told me there was no charge. The story he'd have to tell was worth the drive out.

Tags: man , stupid , car , locksmith

Old Lady Puts Young Cashier In His Place After He Says This At The Register.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right — our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

Tags: woman , lady , green thing

A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time. But the Professor never expects this

A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.

However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said:

“A dove should not be friends with a donkey.”

“Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile.

The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams.

In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

“You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”

“The gold.”

“I don't agree. I would choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.”

“Everyone would choose what they don't have” says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

“Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. But never expect this!

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" man asks.

"Never been kissed before" girl says.

Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.

"What's wrong?" man asks.

"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.

So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.

Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man.

"Never been f**ked before" says girl.

So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...

"Well you're f**ked now"

Tags: man , girl