One time my dad scared the piss out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes.
I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out. It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails
My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him.
My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform.
My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the bitch" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother fucker looks like he is going to piss his pants.
My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL.
Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens.
That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again.
A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic. Then this happened
A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.
When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.
The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.
After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said "Hey it looks like you blew a seal" then the penguin shouted "No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
"Oh, come on, man,"the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spend da money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
My first car was a 1984 Jeep CJ7, a pretty sweet ride for a dirt poor teenager in the 90s. I was working midnights at a gas station and loaned it to my brother who was taking a date to a party. I got a call around 1 AM from my brother who told me he left the keys in the Jeep and it was stolen.
I was devastated. I was still on the phone with my brother when the thieves pulled my Jeep into my gas station to fill up on gas. As luck would have it, the gas gauge on my Jeep was broken and always read "empty", and I worked at the only 24 hour gas stations in the area. I pressed the silent alarm and... proceeded to fill up my Jeep (it was a full serve station). When the thieves were out of the jeep, I saw an opportunity to slip the key out of this ignition and into my pocket.
They paid for the gas, and argued amongst each other who had the keys last. The delay was enough for the police to arrive. I had to explain the story to the officer half a dozen times before he understood. The thieves had this stunned look of disbelief on their faces I'll never forget. The cops were belly-laughing telling the story to dispatch, all the while the thieves sat in cuffs in the back of the squad car.
The story made most of the major newspapers the following day.
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
1. A pilot who was a little too honest.
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants.
2. A flight attendant's friendly reminder.
On landing, the Stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have"
3. This flight attendant who had a pretty good point.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
4. This airline that was keeping it real.
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
5. This pilot who was keeping it even realer.
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. Couldn't agree more.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
7. Good thing I was always the favorite.
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
9. Who doesn't love freebies?
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
12. Can't argue with this one.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt lake City: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the Airline's fault, it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
14. Practice makes perfect, right?
Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
15. Little old ladies are the best.
An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our Airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?""Why, no, Ma'am," said the Pilot. "What is it?"The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
16. I may have been on this flight.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal"
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
18. The best one.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" — Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Just met a woman in line at Ulta. She had at least $800 worth of red lipsticks, eye shadows, mascara, lotions, glitter, foundation, wax for hair removal, bath bombs, perfume, etc. I complimented her on her collection of items. She told me she's getting her revenge. Never a good thing to say at the beginning of a conversation so I knew this was gonna be one for the books. Said her husband was taking these "business trips" every Friday through Sunday's for the past six months after never having to travel before. She said she did some research and realized these "trips" were 25 miles away to a house that didn't seem to have anything to do with the company.
Well, I caught on pretty quickly. She explained to me what she was going to do with all her stuff. Write words on the walls best left unsaid with the lipstick, glitter bomb the whole house, mix foundation in soapy water and throw it in the floor, pour wax on his favorite chair and tv, lotion up the windows, put eye shadow in the food, etc. Not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed. She said "that's nothing, I just left Adam and Eve's and bought $ 1000 worth of sex toys and items I could get my hands on. I'm going to hang the toys from the ceiling, put them in the fridge, lay them in the shower, put them in the mailbox, throw them on the roof, slash the costumes and lay them on the floors. He's going to get a wonderful surprise when he gets home tomorrow."
I felt really bad that she's going through this and said its a shame he choose this. She stopped me and said "he's one of those guys, the ones who doesn't know what he has until it's gone. The kind that sees an attractive woman and wants to have her on his arm without realizing what he already has. The kind of man that's weak and takes what he has for granted." Now I could tell this women wasn't crazy, literally, you can see the crazy ones from a mile away. She might be crazy now but damn, she's strong. She said "I was hurt at first, seven years of marriage down the drain, but I'm stronger now. Instead of killing him, I'm going to destroy him."
We continued to talk and everyone in line has heard this story by now, even the staff for Ulta. People were offering to help pay for her items and offering their help to mess up the house they had built their memories in. She proceeded to say "y'all are more than welcomed to come help me slash up the house, but everything I'm buying, it's going on his credit card. I already took my stuff, money, and I'm headed on vacation tomorrow morning" Holds up her husbands card, and I swear, if we had drinks, we would of drank to that. That cashier slid that card with a biggest smile on her face and said "I hope you kick his ass, tiger".
This Kid's Mom Couldn't Care Less When The Teacher Complained About Him Cussing In Class. The Teacher's Comeback Is Genius.
My friend's mom used to teach 8th Grade English in the local public school system. One day a student cussed her out, so she called his mom. The mom didn't do anything about it so the kid did it again a few days later.
The mom was called again and still she couldn't care less. A few days later the boy cussed her out again, but this time the teacher called his grandmother.
She immediately came to the school, dragged him by the hair to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, and beat his behind.
Grandma then said if he does it again then she should call her. That boy never said another swear word in that teacher's presence again.