A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time. But the Professor never expects this
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said:
“A dove should not be friends with a donkey.”
“Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile.
The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams.
In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
“You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”
“I don't agree. I would choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.”
“Everyone would choose what they don't have” says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
“Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been f**ked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're f**ked now"
This man asked the waiter scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table And Never Expected This
A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."
My three-year-oId son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo... I asked one more time, "Matty, did you have an accident?"
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE,
MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!
Some kind people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time... I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you, Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
The Woman Was Opening Letters Of Complaints From Her Tenants. But She Couldn't Stop Laughing When She Read This.
Complaints to Councils - Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11 .The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21 .This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
One time my dad scared the piss out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes.
I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out. It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails
My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him.
My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform.
My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the bitch" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother fucker looks like he is going to piss his pants.
My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL.
Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens.
That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again.
A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic. Then this happened
A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.
When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.
The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.
After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said "Hey it looks like you blew a seal" then the penguin shouted "No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
"Oh, come on, man,"the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spend da money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."