My first car was a 1984 Jeep CJ7, a pretty sweet ride for a dirt poor teenager in the 90s. I was working midnights at a gas station and loaned it to my brother who was taking a date to a party. I got a call around 1 AM from my brother who told me he left the keys in the Jeep and it was stolen.
I was devastated. I was still on the phone with my brother when the thieves pulled my Jeep into my gas station to fill up on gas. As luck would have it, the gas gauge on my Jeep was broken and always read "empty", and I worked at the only 24 hour gas stations in the area. I pressed the silent alarm and... proceeded to fill up my Jeep (it was a full serve station). When the thieves were out of the jeep, I saw an opportunity to slip the key out of this ignition and into my pocket.
They paid for the gas, and argued amongst each other who had the keys last. The delay was enough for the police to arrive. I had to explain the story to the officer half a dozen times before he understood. The thieves had this stunned look of disbelief on their faces I'll never forget. The cops were belly-laughing telling the story to dispatch, all the while the thieves sat in cuffs in the back of the squad car.
The story made most of the major newspapers the following day.
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
1. A pilot who was a little too honest.
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants.
2. A flight attendant's friendly reminder.
On landing, the Stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have"
3. This flight attendant who had a pretty good point.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
4. This airline that was keeping it real.
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
5. This pilot who was keeping it even realer.
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. Couldn't agree more.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
7. Good thing I was always the favorite.
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
9. Who doesn't love freebies?
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
12. Can't argue with this one.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt lake City: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the Airline's fault, it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
14. Practice makes perfect, right?
Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
15. Little old ladies are the best.
An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our Airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?""Why, no, Ma'am," said the Pilot. "What is it?"The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
16. I may have been on this flight.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal"
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
18. The best one.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" — Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Just met a woman in line at Ulta. She had at least $800 worth of red lipsticks, eye shadows, mascara, lotions, glitter, foundation, wax for hair removal, bath bombs, perfume, etc. I complimented her on her collection of items. She told me she's getting her revenge. Never a good thing to say at the beginning of a conversation so I knew this was gonna be one for the books. Said her husband was taking these "business trips" every Friday through Sunday's for the past six months after never having to travel before. She said she did some research and realized these "trips" were 25 miles away to a house that didn't seem to have anything to do with the company.
Well, I caught on pretty quickly. She explained to me what she was going to do with all her stuff. Write words on the walls best left unsaid with the lipstick, glitter bomb the whole house, mix foundation in soapy water and throw it in the floor, pour wax on his favorite chair and tv, lotion up the windows, put eye shadow in the food, etc. Not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed. She said "that's nothing, I just left Adam and Eve's and bought $ 1000 worth of sex toys and items I could get my hands on. I'm going to hang the toys from the ceiling, put them in the fridge, lay them in the shower, put them in the mailbox, throw them on the roof, slash the costumes and lay them on the floors. He's going to get a wonderful surprise when he gets home tomorrow."
I felt really bad that she's going through this and said its a shame he choose this. She stopped me and said "he's one of those guys, the ones who doesn't know what he has until it's gone. The kind that sees an attractive woman and wants to have her on his arm without realizing what he already has. The kind of man that's weak and takes what he has for granted." Now I could tell this women wasn't crazy, literally, you can see the crazy ones from a mile away. She might be crazy now but damn, she's strong. She said "I was hurt at first, seven years of marriage down the drain, but I'm stronger now. Instead of killing him, I'm going to destroy him."
We continued to talk and everyone in line has heard this story by now, even the staff for Ulta. People were offering to help pay for her items and offering their help to mess up the house they had built their memories in. She proceeded to say "y'all are more than welcomed to come help me slash up the house, but everything I'm buying, it's going on his credit card. I already took my stuff, money, and I'm headed on vacation tomorrow morning" Holds up her husbands card, and I swear, if we had drinks, we would of drank to that. That cashier slid that card with a biggest smile on her face and said "I hope you kick his ass, tiger".
This Kid's Mom Couldn't Care Less When The Teacher Complained About Him Cussing In Class. The Teacher's Comeback Is Genius.
My friend's mom used to teach 8th Grade English in the local public school system. One day a student cussed her out, so she called his mom. The mom didn't do anything about it so the kid did it again a few days later.
The mom was called again and still she couldn't care less. A few days later the boy cussed her out again, but this time the teacher called his grandmother.
She immediately came to the school, dragged him by the hair to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, and beat his behind.
Grandma then said if he does it again then she should call her. That boy never said another swear word in that teacher's presence again.
A Little Boy Wanted Sofia The First On Dvd, And Some Jerk In Line Tried To Ruin It For Him. But His Mom's Response Is Genius.
So, here's how Sam became the proud owner of the Sofia the First DVD. On Saturday, the kids and I headed to Wal-Mart to get diapers, before picking up Erin at the Fine Arts Center. We are in line, and there is a display of Sofia DVDs next to the line. Sam says "Oh boy, Sofia the First...I love Sofia the First...can I get this movie?" And I say, "No Sam, we have more than enough movies right now"...which is very true.
Then, the following dialogue:
MORON IN GAMECOCK POLO SHIRT AND BRAIDED BELT: "And those are girl movies...you don't want to grow up like a mommy, you want to grow up to be like daddy."
ME: "Actually, I just want him to grow up to be whatever he is supposed to be...and if that's a boy that likes princess movies then great."
MORON: "You don't think that will make him funny."
ME: "I sure hope so."
MORON: "I don't mean that kind of funny, I mean he might like other boys."
ME: "And I'd love him just as much...and he'd probably smell better as a teenager." MORON moves to another line.
OLD LADY behind me in line: "Let me buy that movie for him. You just made my day."
And that is how Sam came to own Sofia the First.
The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader.
But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze.
Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech. "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed.
But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything.
So Stalin said, "Very well. First row stand up!", and on that command the whole first row stood at attention.
Then Stalin ordered "Guards! Open fire!" And with that, the guards shot everyone in the entire first row.
"Now," said Stalin once again, "who sneezed?" Again, everyone was too afraid to say anything. Again he ordered, "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" And now the second row was shot, falling into a great bloody heap.
"Now, who sneezed? Third row...." "Wait! Wait!" , cried a man in the back of the hall. The man hurried forward. "Comrade Stalin! It was I! I'm the one who sneezed!"
Stalin glared at the man, "It was you who sneezed?"
The man looked down ashamedly, "Yes, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin gave the man a nod and a little smile,
"Bless you, Comrade!"
She Was Ignored By The Woman Who'd Take All The Washers And Dryers In The Building. How She Got Back At Her Is Genius.
So I live in an apartment building that has a shared laundry in the basement. There are 10 washers and 10 dryers. I had a single load of laundry to do before a flight tomorrow morning. So I headed downstairs with my basket.
Two machines are running when I get down there.There's also a single couple taking up EIGHT washers to sort their laundry.
I asked politely if they could divide one of them up into 1/7ths and put it in with their others so I can use a machine. They decline (apparently they have a system...) and tell me to wait however long it takes for the next person to claim their stuff to get the next machine.
At this point I realize it's time to get petty.
I wait until they leave and then go hit the pause button on all of their machines. I need to stall. Then I wait for the next washer to free up. I transfer this innocent bystanders ratty old towels immediately, pay for their dryer and leave a note to which dryer it's in. Then I start my washer, and I hit "run" on my machine. I wait a few more minutes, and then resume all of their washers.
They come back down in the 40mins it takes to run and are mildly confused by why their machines are taking longer than usual. They suspect no foul play. By this point my washer is finishing up, so I grab a laundry cart and empty it out. I then proceed to take my laundry and divide it into 8 different dryers (like 2 shirts and a couple socks per dryer lol) and set them all running, one by one, as they watch in bitter disbelief.
And then I settle down in a chair to watch my $12.50 of petty revenge spin.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"