Joke of the day

A Little Boy Wanted Sofia The First On Dvd, And Some Jerk In Line Tried To Ruin It For Him. But His Mom's Response Is Genius.

So, here's how Sam became the proud owner of the Sofia the First DVD. On Saturday, the kids and I headed to Wal-Mart to get diapers, before picking up Erin at the Fine Arts Center. We are in line, and there is a display of Sofia DVDs next to the line. Sam says "Oh boy, Sofia the First...I love Sofia the First...can I get this movie?" And I say, "No Sam, we have more than enough movies right now"...which is very true.

Then, the following dialogue:

MORON IN GAMECOCK POLO SHIRT AND BRAIDED BELT: "And those are girl movies...you don't want to grow up like a mommy, you want to grow up to be like daddy."

ME: "Actually, I just want him to grow up to be whatever he is supposed to be...and if that's a boy that likes princess movies then great."

MORON: "You don't think that will make him funny."

ME: "I sure hope so."

MORON: "I don't mean that kind of funny, I mean he might like other boys."

ME: "And I'd love him just as much...and he'd probably smell better as a teenager." MORON moves to another line.

OLD LADY behind me in line: "Let me buy that movie for him. You just made my day."

And that is how Sam came to own Sofia the First.

Tags: kids , boy , mom

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech. Then This Happened

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader.

But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze.

Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech. "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed.

But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything.

So Stalin said, "Very well. First row stand up!", and on that command the whole first row stood at attention.

Then Stalin ordered "Guards! Open fire!" And with that, the guards shot everyone in the entire first row.

"Now," said Stalin once again, "who sneezed?" Again, everyone was too afraid to say anything. Again he ordered, "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" And now the second row was shot, falling into a great bloody heap.

"Now, who sneezed? Third row...." "Wait! Wait!" , cried a man in the back of the hall. The man hurried forward. "Comrade Stalin! It was I! I'm the one who sneezed!"

Stalin glared at the man, "It was you who sneezed?"

The man looked down ashamedly, "Yes, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin gave the man a nod and a little smile,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

She Was Ignored By The Woman Who'd Take All The Washers And Dryers In The Building. How She Got Back At Her Is Genius.

So I live in an apartment building that has a shared laundry in the basement. There are 10 washers and 10 dryers. I had a single load of laundry to do before a flight tomorrow morning. So I headed downstairs with my basket.

Two machines are running when I get down there.There's also a single couple taking up EIGHT washers to sort their laundry.

I asked politely if they could divide one of them up into 1/7ths and put it in with their others so I can use a machine. They decline (apparently they have a system...) and tell me to wait however long it takes for the next person to claim their stuff to get the next machine.

At this point I realize it's time to get petty.

I wait until they leave and then go hit the pause button on all of their machines. I need to stall. Then I wait for the next washer to free up. I transfer this innocent bystanders ratty old towels immediately, pay for their dryer and leave a note to which dryer it's in. Then I start my washer, and I hit "run" on my machine. I wait a few more minutes, and then resume all of their washers.

They come back down in the 40mins it takes to run and are mildly confused by why their machines are taking longer than usual. They suspect no foul play. By this point my washer is finishing up, so I grab a laundry cart and empty it out. I then proceed to take my laundry and divide it into 8 different dryers (like 2 shirts and a couple socks per dryer lol) and set them all running, one by one, as they watch in bitter disbelief.

And then I settle down in a chair to watch my $12.50 of petty revenge spin.

Tags: woman , revenge

A monkey is sitting in a tree and smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. Then This Happens

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

Tags: animal , monkey , lizard

This Person Perfectly Explains Why Nothing Seems To Get Done In America.

The population of America is 300 million.

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are can't work due to disability. Leaving 62 million to do the work.

15 million are collecting unemployment.

Leaving 47 million to do the work.

40 million are of working age, but not working and not actively looking for work.

Leaving 7 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 4.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 900,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 3,300,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 3,299,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your butt, reading jokes..

Tags: America

This Guy Interrupted The Judge In Court. His Explanation Was Priceless.

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!"The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... "the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back," I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Tags: judge , man

This Girl Thought She Was Calling Her Friend To Tell Her About Her Crush turns Out It Was Him And Then This Happened.

A girl quickly punches a number into her phone and waits until she hears the other line pick up.

"Becky, I don't know what to do, I really don't. I love him so much and I don't think he thinks of me that way. I mean, whenever I see him or think of him, I can't help it; this smile comes across my face. Sometimes he sees me smiling and smiles back. That's when my knees turn to Jello and I get butterflies in my stomach. I know you think that he's so totally adorable and cute, but if you look past that and actually listen to what he has to say, you find a totally different person. He's so caring and considerate and he makes me feel like I don't deserve him. Well, actually, I don't deserve him. He's too perfect, I mean, look at all the girls that fall over for him. I could never be one of those.They are all so pretty and bubbly and... not me. I couldn't even start to compare myself to them. But whenever I think of him or see him, I can't help it, I smile.

Now I didn't tell you this but he called me the other day about homework. I tell you now; I made a complete fool of myself. I'm so embarrassed. I stuttered the whole time, but he was so sweet and just kept talking and making me feel better. He's so perfect Becky, I don't deserve him, so why do I keep wishing and praying that he will notice me, why?"

- Silence on the other end-

"Becky? Becky, are you there?"

"This isn't Becky."

Petrified the girl asks, "Then who is this?"

"This is the guy whose smile turns your knees to Jello and I just wanted to say one thing. Everything you just said now, I've wanted to say it to you since the day I met you."

Tags: girl , crush , friend

A man shows off his new sports car to his girlfriend. But he never expects this

She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far.".

Tags: man , girlfriend , girls

This Guy Was Laughing At A Retail Employee With A Speech Impediment. But Then This Woman Did Something He'd Never Forget.

I was at a Craft Store in my town, and it wasn't too busy, but only one register was open. The cashier, a teen aged girl, I could tell was working as best as she could. The process was a tad slower however, because she had a stutter, and a bit of a lisp.

As she worked through the line, asking the usual questions probably mandated by the big wigs (I've worked in retail, it's a thing), the man behind me began to huff and puff. He muttered something about having places to go, he was in a hurry, etc. I ignored him, until I heard him start to mock her to his kids.

W-w-would you l-like y-y-y-y-y-y-your reSCHKeet?

The kids began to laugh. It really made my blood boil. Especially since I could tell the cashier heard his mockery.That really made my blood boil. When a person doesn't respect retail employees as people, it's the best way to tell whether a person is an asshat or not.

So, when it was my turn at the register, she asked me in a small voice "Are you a member o-o-of the rew-w-rewards club?" And I looked smugly at the guy behind me, and back at her.

Me: The rewards club? Oooo that sounds great! Please explain it to me?

She seemed surprised at first, but then looked at the guy behind me, and then it clicked.

I have never given my information so slowly in my life. Never had I asked as many questions as I did. She smiled and answered my inquiries, while the guy behind me was seething.

Him: Can you hurry up, please?

Me: And miss out on these great rewards? As if!

I only held him up for about 5 minutes... but wooo child, it felt so good.

Tags: guy , man , woman

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds then this happened

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.

"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

Tags: man , woman , Cess