Animal jokes

A monkey is sitting in a tree and smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. Then This Happens

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

Tags: animal , monkey , lizard

A Farmer Has Alot Of Sheeps, He Needs A New SheepDog. Then This Happens

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."

The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".

"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."

"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".

"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

Tags: farmer , dogs , sheeps , animal

Wife Buys Parrot With A Vulgar Past. What The Parrot Said When He Saw Her Husband Is Gold

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about it, but decided, she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.' The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'That's really not so bad.'

When her two teenage daughters returned from school that afternoon, the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman laughed about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!'

Tags: parrot , wife , husband , animal

This Man Was Having Trouble Bathing His Cat. But Then He Got This Priceless Advice

(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails."

Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:)

Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington

Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you:

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.

You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Tags: man , cats , animal

A Lion Sees A Lost Dog Strays Into A Jungle From A Distance And Decides To Do This

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

Tags: animal , dog , lion , monkey

The 10 Commandments ( From A Dog's Perspective )

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years; any separation from you will be painful for me. Remember that before you adopt me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me; don't be impatient, short-tempered, or irritable.

3. Place your trust in me and I will always trust you back. Respect is earned not given as an inalienable right.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment; I am not capable of understanding why.

I only know I have been rejected. You have your work, entertainment, and friends, but I only have you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice and your tone. You only have to look at my tail.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll never forget it, and if it's cruel, it may affect me forever.

7. Please don't hit me. I can't hit back, but I can bite and scratch, and I really don’t ever want to do that.

8. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be

bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right foods or I've been out in the sun too long, or my heart is getting old and weak. It may be I am just dog-tired.

9. Take care of me when I get old. you too will grow old and may also need love, care, comfort, and attention.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say,

"I can't bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, regardless of what you do,

I will always love you.

Tags: animal , dog