By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."
The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you." They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head.
Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same spiel. The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it. The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself.
Finally, the chief visits the Ranger. He explains the situation. The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies "A fork."
"Excuse me?" Says the chief.
"Bring me a fork." The Ranger says
Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork. Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork. All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman.
"What are you doing??!" The chief asked "That has got to be the most painful way to die!"
The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts "F**K YOUR CANOE!"
An 83 year old Army Veteran arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he had been to France before. He admited that he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir."
The gentleman said "I didn't have to show it last time."
"IMPOSSIBLE!" the customs agent said. "ALL foreigners have always had to show a passport to enter the country."
The man resonded by whispering,
"Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944,I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!"