A Little Boy Wanted Sofia The First On Dvd, And Some Jerk In Line Tried To Ruin It For Him. But His Mom's Response Is Genius.
So, here's how Sam became the proud owner of the Sofia the First DVD. On Saturday, the kids and I headed to Wal-Mart to get diapers, before picking up Erin at the Fine Arts Center. We are in line, and there is a display of Sofia DVDs next to the line. Sam says "Oh boy, Sofia the First...I love Sofia the First...can I get this movie?" And I say, "No Sam, we have more than enough movies right now"...which is very true.
Then, the following dialogue:
MORON IN GAMECOCK POLO SHIRT AND BRAIDED BELT: "And those are girl movies...you don't want to grow up like a mommy, you want to grow up to be like daddy."
ME: "Actually, I just want him to grow up to be whatever he is supposed to be...and if that's a boy that likes princess movies then great."
MORON: "You don't think that will make him funny."
ME: "I sure hope so."
MORON: "I don't mean that kind of funny, I mean he might like other boys."
ME: "And I'd love him just as much...and he'd probably smell better as a teenager." MORON moves to another line.
OLD LADY behind me in line: "Let me buy that movie for him. You just made my day."
And that is how Sam came to own Sofia the First.
A young boy enters a barber shop...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box
The best type of'funny' is inadvertent humor. Like this scenario between a mischievous boy and a preacher:
Jimmy and Matty, ages 8 and 4, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys'mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.The mother sent Matty in the morning, and planned to send Jimmy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, Matty made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,"What happened?"
Matty, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked:
"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's fifty dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fellow.
Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek."Freckles are beautiful."
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course,"said the grandmother."Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
This Little Boy Jumped On Santa's Lap And Made An Unusual Request. But What He Said Next Is The Funniest Thing Ever
(An old coworker of mine was a volunteer Santa. I hope he doesn't mind me sending this!)
A five year old boy climbs onto his lap, and my friend asks what the boy wants for Christmas. The boy exclaims "I want an orange goldfish!".
My friend glances over at the mom, who gives him the thumbs up, so he smiles and tells the boy that he'll make sure it goes on the list. But the boy worriedly leans closer and says:
Boy: Santa, you have to bring the fish in water, okay? Fish need water to live!
Friend: ~chuckles~The fish will come with water,
Boy: And you have to feed it! They sell fish food at Walmart.
Friend: Uh, okay. The elves will make sure-
Boy: And you can't leave it in the sleigh! It will FREEZE AND DIE!
Friend: Don't worry, nothing will happen to the fish.
Boy: And it can't stay in the bag because it won't have air.
Friend: I have many requests for fish, and they've all gone to their homes safely. Don't worry-
Boy:You don't understand! You're magic! Animals need food and water and air!
Boy: ~jumps off Santa's lap, very exasperated-MOM, SANTA'S GOING TO KILL MY FISH.
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny'.
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it'.
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!
The Mom Was Embarrassed When Her Little Boy Suddenly Shouted During A Play. But Is Stunned When This Happened.
(I am the lead actress in a play called 'Man of La Mancha'. During one performance, a small child has been rather vocal during the show, but he was expressing his enjoyment of it, so I didn't much mind. Later in the show, there is a scene where my character is violently attacked by a group of men. While I'm not in any real danger during the fight, I am acting afraid and screaming for help, so the effect is quite harrowing and the audience is usually hushed. Except for this night.)
Me: *in character, having been thrown to the floor* "Help! Someone please help me!"
(A moment of silence.)
Little boy in audience: *to the men*"You stop that!"
(My fellow actors and I have a good laugh about it backstage for the rest of the show. Afterwards, we go out to greet the audience in costume, at which point the little boy and his parents approach me.)
Mother: "You were all wonderful! And I'm very sorry if my little boy disrupted your performance, but he was very worried about you, and we've always taught him to stand up to bullies."
Me: "Not at all!" *to the little boy* "Thank you for telling those men to stop. You were very brave."
Little boy: *beaming* "You're welcome! Are you okay?"
Me: "I'm just fine. It's all pretend anyway, lil' guy. We were just pretending to fight, I promise."
Little boy: *somewhat unsure*"Okay... but if they try to beat you up again, you tell my daddy and he'll take them to jail." *gives me a big hug*
Me: *stifling laughter* "Okay, I promise!"
(I heard from one of the other actors who plays the ringleader of the men that he then approached him and told him that hitting girls was very bad, and to never ever do it again. My co-star, playing along, promised not to and told the little boy he had learned a valuable lesson. Now after we play that scene, I always threaten the guys with my pint-sized bodyguard and his policeman father.)
A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.
The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren't even discreet about it. He looks around at everyone and says loud and clear: "I will walk back into the bar to get myself another drink, and if I don't see my horse right in front of the bar, I will have to do what I did in Texas a year ago after someone stole my horse. And trust me, I didn't like what I had to do in Texas a year ago."
After his confident speech, the man walked back into the bar. The townsfolk looked at each other in fear and got the horse back.
The cowboy finished his second drink and walked out of the bar, saddled the horse, but just before he left the bartender walked up to him and asked. "Hey, cowboy, we know that we got you your horse back, but do you mind telling us what you had to do a year ago in Texas?"
The cowboy looked at him with an iron gaze and responded:"I had to walk home."