A Couple Call A Taxi To Go Out For a Lovely Evening Of Dinner And Theater. The Taxi Driver Never Expects This.
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
His Landlord Would Blame Him Everytime He Complained About The Roaches. How He Made Him Pay BIGTIME Is Hilarious.
So, a few years back, my family went through some pretty horrible stuff, and ended up moving into a trailer park. It didn't look too awful as far as trailer parks go, and it was (barely) cheap enough to afford at the time, so we swallowed our doubts and moved in.
The first night, we discover there are bed bugs and roaches. Report the problem to the landlord the next morning, and he says we must have brought them in! That was our first clue that living there was going to be a problem.
Fast forward a couple of years, and we've got roaches that are immune to every poison on Earth. No amount of cleaning can even get rid of the smell of the bugs (yes, they smell!!!).
There's a water leak every couple of weeks, and the landlord just sends a guy out to cut down the existing water hoses and re-fasten them every time instead of replacing the rotting water lines. Our water heater is falling through the floor. Rats and opossums are coming up through the heat vents in the floor. The ceiling leaks, and there's a spot in the floor where you can stomp and knock power out to half the trailer. It was horrible. Every time we complained or asked for something to be fixed-anything!-this idiot would say it was our fault. He never treated for roaches (we did manage to kill off the bed bugs, but only after spending almost a thousand dollars and literally steam cleaning every inch of the place), never fixed the gaping holes in the heating conduits under the trailer, never fixed the leaks in the ceiling...even being threatened by the Health Department didn't get this guy off his ass.
So...we got another slow leak, this time behind the bath tub. It was a wet winter, so our yard was a swamp anyway. The landlord paid the water bill, and the meters were set up so it was impossible to tell which trailer had the leak. So we decided to just let it leak. All. Winter. Long.
The first month, he was bitching in the office one day about how high his water bill was. By the second month, the leak had started spraying water at the back of our tub, so it was bigger.
His water bill went up again. By December, it was obvious there was a big problem, and he called the water company out to "investigate." We turned our water off while they were there so they couldn't pinpoint the leak if they pressure tested the lines (which they didn't do anyway, lol), and as soon as they left, we turned it back on.
By January, his water bills were so high that his "partner" came up, thinking he must be embezzling funds from the utility account. They called the water company again, and were told that the only way to fix the problem would be to seal the main water line that ran the entire length of the park. Basically, a crew comes out and blows a high pressure stream of some chemical that hardens on contact with the walls of the pipe and seals them-and it's a loooong pipe, lol. The 'repair" estimate was $25,000 for a problem that didn't even exist.
For five days, the crew was at the park, blowing this funk into the pipe and checking to see if they had fixed the leak. We waited until the entire length of the pipe had been coated, then fixed the leak ourselves. It cost us $14.
A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied,"But we didn't use it!"The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"she replied."But I didn't "exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens...They didn't get that age by being stupid!
They Thought This Poor Couple Had To Share Food Because They Were Broke. But The Reality Is Hilarious
The old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
'THE TEETH'. ”
Young Couple On Their Way To Be Married Find Themselves At The Pearly Gates. What Happens Next Is Hilarious
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven? St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out!
Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking exhausted!
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake as hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. ;He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed — Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in the plants for the night. She shot him.
After Years Of Staying Apart, This Couple Was Given 30 Minutes To Do Anything. But I Never Expected This
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them,
"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies,
"Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."
This Elderly Couple Stumbled Across $50,000. But When The Police Knocked On Their Door, They Tried To Get Crafty.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"