Dad jokes

This boy wanted to date the neighbor's girl. But He was shocked when his dad said this.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

submitted 4 hours ago by Scarlet-Janefox

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

Tags: dad , son

This Pushy Jerk Coerced A Young Woman Into A Date. Her Dad Did Not Respond Well.

One time my dad scared the piss out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes.

I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out. It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails

My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him.

My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform.

My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the bitch" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother fucker looks like he is going to piss his pants.

My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE FUCK ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL.

Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens.

That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again.

Tags: jerk , woman , dad

This Kid Didn't Want To Come In And Play While His Dad Tried To Show His Authority. You Won't Believe What Came Out Of His Mouth.

The 7 y/o boy who lives next door doesn't want to go in the house to bed and i just heard his dad use the old "you live under my roof, you live by my rules" and the kid just shouted back,

"I'm not under your roof I'm under the sky and thats god's roof and he wants me to play out for longer!"

I can't stop laughing.

Now he's scootering down the street singing 'we didn't start the fire' while his dad chases him.

Tags: kids , dad

A little girl was playing in the garden. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground then asked her father this

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.

The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

This Man Pleads With His Date For A Parting Kiss. But What His Date’s Sister Said To Him Is Hysterical

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?.."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

Tags: man , dating , date , girl , dad

Kid Finds Dad With Nanny And Uses It To Explain Politics. This Is Priceless.

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Tags: kid , dad , politics , nanny

Customer Was So Angry At Her That She Tried To Stick Gum In Her Hair. But Her Dad All Of A Sudden Came In And Did This

My father is a CPA who runs a small shop in the front of the office for extra income. He has no employees for the shop other then my sister and me when we were younger.

So it was my birthday and my dad was gong to take me to lunch. As we were getting ready to head out a tax client came by and needed his taxes done "now". I know this won't take more then a hour so, I say no problem I will just run the shop to stay out of the way and we will get lunch after he is done. Now the fun part I am in the front reading a book when in walks a customer. I put the book down and ask if I can help with anything. Lady brushes me off so I go back to my novel. When she is done she comes to the front and I start ringing her purchases. She also wants two money orders for $500 each so I ring them in and give her her total. She pulls out a checkbook and asks for a pen, I inform her that money orders are cash only and give her the pen and her total for her items minus the money orders and the fees associated with them.

She looks at me like she just realized I was the shit she stepped in on the way to work, and says "you're new here, but the owner lets me write checks for money orders and gives me a 15% discount on all purchases." I say that's fine, she is more then welcome to come back when the owner is working. She instantly loses her shit and starts berating me, my looks, and anything she thinks I might like. I just sat there thinking, no good deed. When she realized I wasn't reacting she started throwing the packets of gum next to to register at me.

So my dad hears the commotion and sticks his head out the door that connects the back offices to the front and sees this women throwing gum at me while I am dodging them, laughing and telling her to calm down. Now when I said my dad is a CPA you probably envisioned a small balding man wearing a bad suit, change that image to a large hairy biker, that loves math, now you have a better idea of what he looks like. He quite calmly asks "my name, is there a problem?". Hearing the owner this woman turns mid throw and says "the only problem here is that this bitch you hired won't do her job!!!" That is when I got the best present a retail worker could ask for, my dad responds "That bitch is my daughter, and it's her birthday. Get the f**k out of my store and if I ever see you again here or even out on the street I am going to show you exactly how mad I am right now, run!" And she did she dropped every thing is her hands and hightailed it out of the store. My dad canceled the rest of his appointment which the client readily agreed to, and we went for a wonderful lunch.

Tags: customer , woman , dad

He Kept Nagging His Grandad About The Unclean Plates. His Response Is Gold

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny'.

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it'.

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!

Tags: grandad , kids , boy

Woman Asks How He Is So Calm Around His Incredibly Naughty Grandson. But His Reply Is Priceless

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, snacks, all sorts of things.

The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long... easy boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.” “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bugger's name is Kevin.” "

He Met His Girlfriend's Dad When He Drove To Her House For A Movie. But Never Thought This Would Happen.

The first time I met my Girlfriend's dad I was driving over to pick up my GF to go to the movies. I roll into the driveway and the garage door was open and inside was a '69 Mustang, parts strewn everywhere and a oil covered, greasy, and thoroughly pissed off man underneath said car.

He was trying to get something unbolted but was struggling to hold the part and operate the ratchet at the same time. I made note of said struggle and jumped underneath to help him. I figured I would give him a hand, then get up and meet my girlfriend and head out. But, we ended up getting along pretty well and I had lost track of time and before I knew it 2hrs had past. During this time, my girlfriend came out to find me working with her dad underneath this car and she just let it be and brought us some sandwiches and sweet tea. She was more than happy to skip the movie date because she saw I was enjoying myself and her dad was enjoying the help. Im gonna marry this girl and hopefully one day that car will become ours!

Tags: girlfriend , dad , stories