English jokes

English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German. Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Wow! Thank you for the gold, kind strangers :)

Tags: English , German , EU , European

Three Englishman go into a pub and order there warm beers then this happens

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.

"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"

The Irishman looks up from his beer and says "Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me." The Englishman goes back to his pals.

"Let me give it a try," says the next guy. He goes over to the Irishman and says "Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"

The Irishman looks up from his beer. "Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my buy!"

The Englishman slinks back to his seat.

"You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!" The third guy says. "Watch this." He goes over to him and says "Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"

The Irishman turns to him and says "Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!"

This Man With Broken English Tried To Explain Her Company Had Gotten His Ad Wrong. But What Happened Next Is Hilarious.

Me: "Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?"

Customer: *with a heavy accent* "Yays, I put een an ad, and eet sayes 'peacock truck' but eet should be'peacock truck'"

Me: "The ad says 'peacock truck', but it should be 'peacock truck'? I don't understand the difference. Did they get the color wrong or something?"

Customer: "No, no, peacock - eet ees not a color, eet ees a peacock, a peacock truck!" *starts swearing in Spanish*

Me: "Sir, is there anyone else there who might be able to talk to me? I'm sorry; I can't understand what you're trying to tell me."

Customer: "Eet is seemple, eet ees a peacock truck - Pee, uh, ee, ee, uh..."

Me: "Sir.. .are you trying to spell 'pickup'? Is it a pickup truck you're selling?"

Customer: 'Yays, yays, eet ees a peacock truck, like I say before."

Me: "Right, sir, I'll fix that for you. We'll run the ad for two days extra, to make up for lost time".

Customer: "Thank you. Goodbye."*hangs up*

(I receive another call later that day.)

Me: "Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?"

Customer: "Yeah, I went to look at this truck that was advertised in your paper, and it wasn't what they said it was. It's false advertising!"

Me: "What was the problem? What was wrong?"

Customer: 'Well, the ad said it was a peacock truck, and I love that color. We went to see it, and it was black! That's not peacock!"

A German Man In A English Bar Yelled How English People Are Extremely Lazy. But The English Guy's Comeback Is Hysterical.

A German lorry driver in a pub in Liverpool gobbing off about how lazy the British are, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, over to Liverpool and back to Hamburg in two days.

The old Scouse fella mutters.......'fuck off lad, I used to pick up my load in Liverpool, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Liverpool the same day!'

The German trucker snorted and said..'oh yeah, what rig were you driving?!'

The old fella replied.......'a fuckin LANCASTER BOMBER!'

Tags: German , English , region

Nine Out Of Ten People Fail To Pronounce This Whole Poem. But You Can't Tell Unless You Read It

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough,

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!

Tags: poem , English

Bilingual Girl Puts This Chinese Woman In Her Place With This Brilliant Response

So I'm a white Caucasian female, but I am fluent in Mandarin Chinese and English. Now, looking at me, you wouldn't know I can speak Mandarin, which is why I find it absolutely hysterical to mess with people when they come through my line speaking Chinese, and I understand every word their saying. My co workers find it especially hysterical.

Okay, so the other day this Chinese couple came through my line, and I asked them (in english) all of the questions about the bags and if they had their rewards cards, all of that fun stuff.

Anyway, I started ringing up their stuff, and the wife said to her husband "Tell her not to bruise the bananas" in Chinese and i didn't say anything. The wife said "tell the stupid girl to go faster" in mandarin. I smiled at her and pretended like I had no idea what she was saying.

She kept commenting on how my hair was like a boys (I have short hair, its honestly not even that short) and how her grandfather would have gone faster than I was going, all of this in Chinese.

And then she said "make sure she doesn't forget the water" in Chinese, and I replied in English, "I won't forget the water"

And i watched with enjoyment as a look of sheer terror spread across her face, as she realized I understood everything she had said before. She just stood there with her mouth open and her husband said (in Chinese) "This is why you shouldn't trash talk employees while their standing right in front of you" And i replied (in english) "He's right"

They paid, the husband apologized and left. After they walked out the door my manager and co worker and I were laughing so hard, even though being a cashier sucks, it sometimes makes my day a little brighter when something like that happens.

Tags: region , Chinese , English , woman

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

---reddit---

Tags: English , German , EU