A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been f**ked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're f**ked now"
This Girl Thought She Was Calling Her Friend To Tell Her About Her Crush turns Out It Was Him And Then This Happened.
A girl quickly punches a number into her phone and waits until she hears the other line pick up.
"Becky, I don't know what to do, I really don't. I love him so much and I don't think he thinks of me that way. I mean, whenever I see him or think of him, I can't help it; this smile comes across my face. Sometimes he sees me smiling and smiles back. That's when my knees turn to Jello and I get butterflies in my stomach. I know you think that he's so totally adorable and cute, but if you look past that and actually listen to what he has to say, you find a totally different person. He's so caring and considerate and he makes me feel like I don't deserve him. Well, actually, I don't deserve him. He's too perfect, I mean, look at all the girls that fall over for him. I could never be one of those.They are all so pretty and bubbly and... not me. I couldn't even start to compare myself to them. But whenever I think of him or see him, I can't help it, I smile.
Now I didn't tell you this but he called me the other day about homework. I tell you now; I made a complete fool of myself. I'm so embarrassed. I stuttered the whole time, but he was so sweet and just kept talking and making me feel better. He's so perfect Becky, I don't deserve him, so why do I keep wishing and praying that he will notice me, why?"
- Silence on the other end-
"Becky? Becky, are you there?"
"This isn't Becky."
Petrified the girl asks, "Then who is this?"
"This is the guy whose smile turns your knees to Jello and I just wanted to say one thing. Everything you just said now, I've wanted to say it to you since the day I met you."
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far.".
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough"more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied,"! will, if those dicks from the lumber yard ever deliver the friggin' sheet rock!"
The Little Girl Warned The Kid Who Constantly Bullied Her Little Sister. But The Bully’s Mom Was Shocked When She Did This
In middle school my sister and I shared the bus stop with a kid from down the street. This kid was about twice our size and picked on us constantly, particularly my sister who was a couple years younger than him. So, one day I had enough, I couldn't take it and told him if he didn't leave us alone, I was going to hit him with my clarinet case. Well, you guessed it kid didn't stop. So, as a girl of my word, I hit him with my clarinet case in the face.
Not too hard, I valued my clarinet too much, but hard enough he got the point. I barely split his lip. Well, fast forward after school his mom comes to my front door and asks to talk to my mom. My mom gives us the riot act and sends us to apologize. So, per mom's instructions I did. Then my dad gets home and my mom tells him what happened. Then he calls me and my sister in to recount the story again. He verifies we warned the kid to stop and then proceeds to tell my mom that we never should have apologized. Then, out the door he goes my sister and I in tow to the kids house.
My dad then begins to tell the kid's mom that he takes back our apology, our mother should have never made us apologize and that she needs to teach her child how to behave and treat people and that if her son did anything again, he would contact the school district to ensure her son wasn't on the bus with us again. Then we marched back home with explicit instructions to never be afraid to defend ourselves and tell my dad if anything happened again. Needless to say, nothing ever happened again. The kid used a different bus stop from there on out and our paths never crossed.
A little girl was playing in the garden. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground then asked her father this
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
This Man Pleads With His Date For A Parting Kiss. But What His Date’s Sister Said To Him Is Hysterical
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
She Was Just Leaving University & Got Berated for Having Short Hair. Bet the Bully Regretted It After This
(I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there's a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)
Tanned Girl #1:"Hey you, they fancy you."
(She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)
Tanned Girl #2:"Do you fancy them?"
Me:"Well no, I'm straight."
Tanned Girl #2: "You're not straight at all!"
Me: "I'm not?"
(I call out to my boyfriend.)
Me: "Hey, when did you become a girl?"
Me: "Well, according to these girls, I'm gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****."
(The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)
Tanned Girl #3:"Wait, so you're straight?"
Me: "What was your first clue?"
Tanned Girl #1:"But you've got short hair."
Me: "Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent."
(Everyone in the shop is laughing.)
Me: "Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?"
Tanned Girl #2:"We're not homophobic!"
Me: "You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I'm going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they're homosexuals, therefore you're homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary."
Tanned Girl #2: "Books are for geeks and losers."
Me: "Wait, so you girls aren't intellectual readers?"
(Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they've stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)
Little girl in the grocery store was having an argument with her parents. She looked like she was maybe four or five. My husband and I round the corner and this girl looks at us, then her parents, then us, and comes running down the aisle. "I'm going to go live with THEM and THEY will be my new mommy and daddy because YOU'RE MEAN!" My husband ADORES kids, and I am very obviously pregnant-we smiled at her parents and they said, "Oh. Well, Mr. and Mrs.
New Dad and Mom-good luck with her," before turning their cart and walking away.
The girl gets this brief panicked expression and I shouted, "Hey-wait!" Parents turned around, "Does she have allergies or anything?" "Nope, she's healthy as a horse. She does need a nightlight though." "Oh, that's too bad-we don't have nightlights."
This girl let go of my husband's shirt tail and hauled back to her parents so fast she looked like a cartoon character running. "I don't really need that toy. I love you." You could tell she really reevaluated her choices up to that point, and it was adorable.