Guy jokes

His Friend Had Promised He'd Pay Him Tomorrow But One Month Later He Was Avoiding Him. How He Made Him Pay Up Is Genius.

This just happened. I wanted to share because frankly, it's hilarious.

(Also, I'm 29, not 7 years old like you might guess from reading the title.)

So back in May, I had tickets to a concert that I couldn't attend. I posted on a local ticket exchange group, and a 'friend' of mine, let's call him Tom, because his name is Tom, said he was interested. I paid $40, but me, being Mr. Nice Guy said "Here's the tickets, I was asking $40 but you can pay me $35." Tom says "Great thanks, I'll pay you tomorrow."

Great, ticket sold.

Tomorrow became next week. No worries, I know this guy, right?

Wrong.

I message him, He says "oh hey sure I'll pay you end of the week, sorry about that."

Sure, sounds good.

A month goes by, nothing. I message him, I text him. I see he's seeing my messages but I don't hear back.

"Well that's shitty" I say to myself.

I give it a few weeks. Shockingly, no $35!

Well then. How about some good old public shaming?

I post a very nicely worded message on his FB page.

Five minutes later, my post is deleted. No reply, no text, no messages, nothing. Well that's pretty shitty, eh?

I give it another day. Nothing.

Well I have an ace up my sleeve. I didn't want it to come to this, but I happen to know that he works at his mothers coffee shop down the street. Nice lady. The apple must have fallen down a cliff with this kid.

I call the store. "Hi, is Mrs. (Tom's mother) there? Great thanks."

I explain the situation and ask if there is anything she can do to help me. She apologizes, and says she will take care of it. As she is putting down the phone, I hear a loud "TOOMMMM?! GET OVER HERE!!" click

Ten minutes later, a notification that $50 has been transferred to my account

Mess with the Bull, I call your mom. Sorry, Tom.

Tags: friendship , man , guy

She Instantly Liked The Cute Guy Who Entered Her Store. But Is Stunned When This Happened As She Handed Him His Order.

(A really cute guy is on my line to buy his coffee, engrossed on his phone, texting.)

Cute guy: *still looking down at his phone*"A small Caramel Frap, please.Thanks."

Me:"Coming right up!"

(I prepare his order and come back to the counter to hand him his order.)

Me:"Here you go, sir.That'll be $4.05."

(He hands me a $5 bill and finally looks up at me. He freezes, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. I blush. This goes on for about 10 awkward seconds until he blinks rapidly.)

Cute guy:"Uhh... Yeah... Ok... I... I., uhm... I." *takes a deep breath* "Has this happened to you before?"

Me:"Uh, I am not sure what you're talking about."

Cute guy: "This!"*points his finger alternately between the two of us*

Me: "I don't really follow."

Cute guy: "You know, a guy sees your pretty face and he freezes and he almost drool? And it's so obvious that he's attracted to you big time?"

(The whole shop stands still.Their attention is on us. The other customers giggle while the others go "aw".)

Me: *I blush 10 shades darker* "Uh, not really."

(He snatches the $5 bill from my hand and takes a $100 bill from his wallet and shoves it to me.)

Tags: cute guy , woman , man

This Guy Was Having A Bad Day, But Never Expected A Biker To Do This.

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

"Oh, come on, man,"the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Tags: guy , man , biker

This Guy Was Laughing At A Retail Employee With A Speech Impediment. But Then This Woman Did Something He'd Never Forget.

I was at a Craft Store in my town, and it wasn't too busy, but only one register was open. The cashier, a teen aged girl, I could tell was working as best as she could. The process was a tad slower however, because she had a stutter, and a bit of a lisp.

As she worked through the line, asking the usual questions probably mandated by the big wigs (I've worked in retail, it's a thing), the man behind me began to huff and puff. He muttered something about having places to go, he was in a hurry, etc. I ignored him, until I heard him start to mock her to his kids.

W-w-would you l-like y-y-y-y-y-y-your reSCHKeet?

The kids began to laugh. It really made my blood boil. Especially since I could tell the cashier heard his mockery.That really made my blood boil. When a person doesn't respect retail employees as people, it's the best way to tell whether a person is an asshat or not.

So, when it was my turn at the register, she asked me in a small voice "Are you a member o-o-of the rew-w-rewards club?" And I looked smugly at the guy behind me, and back at her.

Me: The rewards club? Oooo that sounds great! Please explain it to me?

She seemed surprised at first, but then looked at the guy behind me, and then it clicked.

I have never given my information so slowly in my life. Never had I asked as many questions as I did. She smiled and answered my inquiries, while the guy behind me was seething.

Him: Can you hurry up, please?

Me: And miss out on these great rewards? As if!

I only held him up for about 5 minutes... but wooo child, it felt so good.

Tags: guy , man , woman

This Guy Couldn’t Get A Janitor Job, But Had The Best Response Years Later.

An unemployed man was desperate to support his family. His option limited, he applied for a janitor's job at a large company and easily passed the aptitude test.

The human resources manager told him:"You will be hired at a minimum wage of $5.05 an hour.

Let me know your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms, and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

But the man pointed out that he was too poor to afford a computer, and that therefore he didn't have an e-mail address. The manager replied icily: "Surely you must realise that to a company like ours, not having an e-mail address means that you virtually cease to exist. Without e-mail you can hardly expect to be employed by a hi-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned and dismayed, the man left. Not knowing which way to turn and with just $10 left in his wallet, he walked past a market wholesaler and saw a trader selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. So he bought a crate, carried it to a busy street corner and began selling them. In less than two hours he sold all the tomatoes and made a 100 per cent profit. Repeating the process several more times a day, he finished up with nearly $100 and arrived home that night with several bags of groceries for his hungry family.

Not surprisingly, he decided to repeat the tomato business the next day, and by working long hours he quickly multiplied his profits. By the second week he had invested in a cart and two weeks later he bought a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of the year he owned three trucks. His two sons had left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife was buying the tomatoes, and his daughter was taking night courses in accountancy at the local college so that she could keep his books.

After five years, he owned a fleet of trucks and warehouse, which his wife supervised, plus two tomato farms managed by the boys. The tomato company's payroll gave work to hundred sof homeless and jobless people. His daughter reported that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decided to buy some life insurance and, with the help of an insurance adviser, he picked a plan that suited his newfound wealth. Then the adviser asked him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replied that he didn't have time to mess with a computer and had no e-mail address, the insurance advisor was stunned. "What? No computer? No Internet? No e-mail? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorted the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors at a multinational computer company and making $5.05 an hour."

Tags: man , guy , janitor

A guy comes up to a professional Assassin for asking this

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

Tags: assassin , man , guy

This Man’s Snoring Kept His Friends Up At Night. But A Marine Had A Hilarious Solution.

The guys were all in deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so bad. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

They said "Man, what happened to you? He said "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night was a different guy's turn. In the morning same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said,"Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night"

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly U.S. Marine.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said "Man,what happened?"

He said "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him goodnight.

Bob covered himself and watched me all night."

Tags: man , snoring , guys

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. Then this happens

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

Tags: guys , men , man

Two blokes have same one black eye are sitting side by side on a plane. What has happened to them is hilarious

Two blokes were on a plane one day and they were sitting side by side.

Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking..

'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'.

'Yeah no worries', the other one responded.

'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but notice the girl at the check in had massive tits, so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburg and she hit me!..Can I ask how you got yours?'..

'yeah no worries, it's actually quiet a similar story to yours' the other guys says..

'I was at home this morning about to eat breakfast with the Mrs and kids and instead of asking me mrs "hey can you please pass me the frosty's cereal",

I accidentally said "you've ruined me life you evil cunt"

Tags: blokes , guy

Five Surgeons Discussed Their Favorite Patients. This Guy Had The Best Answer.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Tags: Guy , man , surgeons