The wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So She decides to do a DNA test. Then This Happens
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
Just met a woman in line at Ulta. She had at least $800 worth of red lipsticks, eye shadows, mascara, lotions, glitter, foundation, wax for hair removal, bath bombs, perfume, etc. I complimented her on her collection of items. She told me she's getting her revenge. Never a good thing to say at the beginning of a conversation so I knew this was gonna be one for the books. Said her husband was taking these "business trips" every Friday through Sunday's for the past six months after never having to travel before. She said she did some research and realized these "trips" were 25 miles away to a house that didn't seem to have anything to do with the company.
Well, I caught on pretty quickly. She explained to me what she was going to do with all her stuff. Write words on the walls best left unsaid with the lipstick, glitter bomb the whole house, mix foundation in soapy water and throw it in the floor, pour wax on his favorite chair and tv, lotion up the windows, put eye shadow in the food, etc. Not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed. She said "that's nothing, I just left Adam and Eve's and bought $ 1000 worth of sex toys and items I could get my hands on. I'm going to hang the toys from the ceiling, put them in the fridge, lay them in the shower, put them in the mailbox, throw them on the roof, slash the costumes and lay them on the floors. He's going to get a wonderful surprise when he gets home tomorrow."
I felt really bad that she's going through this and said its a shame he choose this. She stopped me and said "he's one of those guys, the ones who doesn't know what he has until it's gone. The kind that sees an attractive woman and wants to have her on his arm without realizing what he already has. The kind of man that's weak and takes what he has for granted." Now I could tell this women wasn't crazy, literally, you can see the crazy ones from a mile away. She might be crazy now but damn, she's strong. She said "I was hurt at first, seven years of marriage down the drain, but I'm stronger now. Instead of killing him, I'm going to destroy him."
We continued to talk and everyone in line has heard this story by now, even the staff for Ulta. People were offering to help pay for her items and offering their help to mess up the house they had built their memories in. She proceeded to say "y'all are more than welcomed to come help me slash up the house, but everything I'm buying, it's going on his credit card. I already took my stuff, money, and I'm headed on vacation tomorrow morning" Holds up her husbands card, and I swear, if we had drinks, we would of drank to that. That cashier slid that card with a biggest smile on her face and said "I hope you kick his ass, tiger".
Four guys have been going on the same trip for many years.
A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.
"Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked,
'Guess who?"' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'...
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, boys, here I am!
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh... no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
He said “No!’’trying to hide his arousal.
She said.....“Check the garage for your car.”
A man staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entry way.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those darn Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
He Said His Wife’s Beauty Only Went South While His Net Worth Increased. But His Wife Reply Shut Him Up For Good
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?" The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"
The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go."
The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!" The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"
The husband replies "He says he knows you."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
His Wife Got Very Sick And He Had To Do All The Chores At The House. But What Actually Happened Is Priceless.
My wife has been in bed sick since Friday. Sunday is our house cleaning day. We usually split it although I admit she does most of it.
She hasn't been feeling well all week and had let some stuff go. So I set to work doing it.
I cleaned out the fridge, there was a ton of expired food.
Did 3 loads of dishes that had piled in the sink.
8 bags of trash went out.
Started laundry still at it today
Grocery shopping (I usually do this but she makes the list.)
Cooking meals (I usually do this anyway)
Got up and took her to the doctor today.
Went to work
Picked up my 12yo step son from school just now and he is sick too. I'd been hoping he could help me or at least keep me company.
Dinner is in the oven another load of dishes going
Still have laundry to finish and I feel like crying.
I don't know how she does so much and with a smile on her face too.
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --