A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Worked at a retail store for luggage were it was base pay, plus commission. The other two sales people were too lazy. They made almost no sales, didn't interact with the customers, and basically leaned against the counter sipping coffee and being fake friends with the manager lady. My first week there, I made more commission than they did in an average month.
Manager lady was not nice either. Kept cutting my hours. Said I was making her look bad by making so many sales. Gave me all the worst jobs like taking out the trash every goddamn day (because i was the only male and was stronger, she said), cleaning the bathrooms twice a day, cutting into my sales, reassigning my sales to other people, "so it looked more even", she said, etc. I lasted 3 months before the fake friends talked enough shit about "he is stealing our sales" that the manager fired me.
3 months later, I'm working with a company that is flipping houses. We get a call from a landlord about a house they wanted to sell because the tenants weren't paying and being a landlord was more of a pain than he thought. When we get there, guess who was the tenant? Yeah, the same manager lady that fired me. I straight bought her house for cash and evicted her.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
In elementary school I wasn't the most popular kid, I was into books, had big glasses, was a bit over weight, got very good grades, classic nerd. I had friends sure, but I did tend to be the butt of the classic "nerdy" & "fat" jokes.
One day in class we were doing some sort of busy work and I was seated across from one of the girls (let's call her BullyJ) who always loved to make fun of me and give me crap. The girl for some reason was stamping her feet up and down on the floor like a crazy person (not just the nervous knee thing that most people get from time to time, full on lifting and dropping them).
The massive shockwaves from her dinosaur stomping ending up knocking her glasses off the desk and somewhere right beneath her feet. Being the good girl that I was, I immediately yelled out "BullyJ, STOP, WATCH YOUR FEET!". She stops her foot, a few inches from her glasses, then looks at me and just asks, "Why?".
Now I could have told her that she was about to ruin her glasses, but for some reason I didn't. I happened to not be wearing my own glasses at the time, and on a lark I told her, "You're about to step on my glasses".
The bully got the biggest grin on her face, lifted her foot back up and smashed it back down onto her own glasses. BullyJ heard them crack and bent down to pick the glasses up, still grinning at me without breaking her gaze. When she lifted the glasses up and looked at them, and realized they were her own, she started crying, loudly. Ran to the teacher.
It was wonderful.
She Found Out That Her New Boyfriend Was Married. But Then She Sent His Wife A Package Containing This.
I met a guy online who told me he was separated from his wife. We "dated" for about 6 months. I put that in quotes, because it turns out he was a total liar. He was never separated, he was still very much married. I couldn't believe how he cleverly strung me along when I found out that he was still married and how he lied to me. He led me on for a good 2 months to believe that he was really getting divorced and how I was his dream girl, how I was everything he ever wanted, etc.
He was a total charmer, always knew what to say, until I finally wised up and came to see the light of reason. I completely broke it off with him, deleted any and all evidence I had that he was ever in my life and went no contact. It was such an emotionally bad situation that I found myself in - having dated someone married, and not realizing the depths of his lies. I missed him, and yet I loathed him at the same time.
I despised myself for having been led on and for having fallen so hard for him. I hated that he manipulated me into thinking there was a chance for us when he was still fully married. I couldn't believe that I was pining for someone as unworthy as he was and that he had purposely and deliberately led me on for so many months.
About month after I broke up with him, I found him online again - with the very same profile, stating that he was separated, but now looking for a FWB situation. I was LIVID. All the anger I had and the rage I had towards him that I never expressed just finally welled up, turned my blood icy cold and I just wanted revenge. So I decided I would take revenge:
I engaged him online under a fake profile and got him to admit that he had dated and had a girlfriend (me) before bringing him to wanting a FWB situation. I got him to state that he was separated and that his divorce would be finalized soon - all the same lies he used when we "dated."
I say "dated" in quotes because really, we were cheating. I just was led to believe that we were dating. Stupid me.
I then printed out copies of everything that could be used as evidence of his cheating: I captured screenshots of his profile, as well as the photos of himself that he took. I printed out conversations I had posing as a potential FWB for him - including the ones where he admitted to having a girlfriend - put them all in a large white envelope, added a note with it that said, "Sorry you're married to a cheater." and mailed it anonymously to his wife.
I got such an adrenaline rush out of planning and executing that revenge. The moment I slipped that envelope into the mailbox will be one I will never forget - my heart was beating so fast, my pulse was racing, it was such a high.
I even left myself a long voice memo where I told him off and said all the angry things I wish I had said to him before - that he was a piece of shit who thought he was so smart, fooling both me and his wife. But that I ended up being smarter than him, and that I hoped his life crashed and burned as a result of my blowing up his lies to his wife.
A week or so later after I sent that envelope, he blew up my phone calling over and over again, but never leaving a message. This went on for 2 days until I blocked his phone calls and his texts.
That period of knowing him and acting on that revenge put me in a dark place, one that I don't wish to return to. But I know now that I have a dark side that will and can exact revenge if I'm ever crossed like that again.
So, f*ck you, Shawn. I know your life will never be the same again. Karma was a b*tch with my name all over it.
Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving. She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She knew it was petty and perhaps childish, but she needed to know how her husband felt. And besides, this was more of a prank than a real test, right?
After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. She hoped to hear his outraged response, or to see him get upset.
When the husband eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He seemed overjoyed, rather than crushed and heartbroken.
The woman was shocked and incredibly hurt.
But things only got worse.
The husband grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
"Hey babe,” said the husband into the phone.
“I'm just getting changed now, I’ll join you in a bit. As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was cheating on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
After some time, the wife heard the front door open and close - her husband was gone. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read:
"I could see your feet under the bed you idiot,
I'm going out to buy bread."
She Came Screaming At Them For Parking In The Handicap Spot With No Label. The Handicapped Woman’s Comeback Is Priceless
My aunt had a prosthetic leg, and once we were visiting her down in Florida and we were driving to the mall or something, and for whatever reason we took my dad's car.
So he parked in the handicapped spot and my uncle, mom, and I got out while he affixed the handicapped label to the rear view mirror and my aunt waited for my uncle to help her out of the car.
Some lady stormed up to us and HOW DARE we park in the HANDICAPPED SPOT that is for PEOPLE WHO NEED IT and I DON'T SEE A HANDICAPPED SIGN ON YOUR LICENSE PLATE and then my aunt got out of the car, fixed her with the nastiest stare, pointedly adjusted her prosthetic leg, and then popped her dentures out for good measure.
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 80 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 15 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: No! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him.
Telemarketer Kept Disturbing Them Until They Thought They'd Had Enough. What They Did Next Is Genius
Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
Me: I have no mother.
Her: Well can I speak to your father?
Me: Yeah, which one?
Her: Which one is home?
Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a break24up with his boyfriend, Antonio.
Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
Her: So who's Antonio?
Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
Her: So Carlos was cheating?
Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
Me: I never said that.
Her: Yes, yes you did!
Me: No I didn't.
Her: Y-yes! You did!
Me: Did what?
Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.