My three-year-oId son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo... I asked one more time, "Matty, did you have an accident?"
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE,
MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!
Some kind people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time... I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
This Kid's Mom Couldn't Care Less When The Teacher Complained About Him Cussing In Class. The Teacher's Comeback Is Genius.
My friend's mom used to teach 8th Grade English in the local public school system. One day a student cussed her out, so she called his mom. The mom didn't do anything about it so the kid did it again a few days later.
The mom was called again and still she couldn't care less. A few days later the boy cussed her out again, but this time the teacher called his grandmother.
She immediately came to the school, dragged him by the hair to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, and beat his behind.
Grandma then said if he does it again then she should call her. That boy never said another swear word in that teacher's presence again.
A Little Boy Wanted Sofia The First On Dvd, And Some Jerk In Line Tried To Ruin It For Him. But His Mom's Response Is Genius.
So, here's how Sam became the proud owner of the Sofia the First DVD. On Saturday, the kids and I headed to Wal-Mart to get diapers, before picking up Erin at the Fine Arts Center. We are in line, and there is a display of Sofia DVDs next to the line. Sam says "Oh boy, Sofia the First...I love Sofia the First...can I get this movie?" And I say, "No Sam, we have more than enough movies right now"...which is very true.
Then, the following dialogue:
MORON IN GAMECOCK POLO SHIRT AND BRAIDED BELT: "And those are girl movies...you don't want to grow up like a mommy, you want to grow up to be like daddy."
ME: "Actually, I just want him to grow up to be whatever he is supposed to be...and if that's a boy that likes princess movies then great."
MORON: "You don't think that will make him funny."
ME: "I sure hope so."
MORON: "I don't mean that kind of funny, I mean he might like other boys."
ME: "And I'd love him just as much...and he'd probably smell better as a teenager." MORON moves to another line.
OLD LADY behind me in line: "Let me buy that movie for him. You just made my day."
And that is how Sam came to own Sofia the First.
This Kid Didn't Want To Come In And Play While His Dad Tried To Show His Authority. You Won't Believe What Came Out Of His Mouth.
The 7 y/o boy who lives next door doesn't want to go in the house to bed and i just heard his dad use the old "you live under my roof, you live by my rules" and the kid just shouted back,
"I'm not under your roof I'm under the sky and thats god's roof and he wants me to play out for longer!"
I can't stop laughing.
Now he's scootering down the street singing 'we didn't start the fire' while his dad chases him.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..."Go get your mother."
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough"more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied,"! will, if those dicks from the lumber yard ever deliver the friggin' sheet rock!"
A young boy enters a barber shop...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
The Little Girl Warned The Kid Who Constantly Bullied Her Little Sister. But The Bully’s Mom Was Shocked When She Did This
In middle school my sister and I shared the bus stop with a kid from down the street. This kid was about twice our size and picked on us constantly, particularly my sister who was a couple years younger than him. So, one day I had enough, I couldn't take it and told him if he didn't leave us alone, I was going to hit him with my clarinet case. Well, you guessed it kid didn't stop. So, as a girl of my word, I hit him with my clarinet case in the face.
Not too hard, I valued my clarinet too much, but hard enough he got the point. I barely split his lip. Well, fast forward after school his mom comes to my front door and asks to talk to my mom. My mom gives us the riot act and sends us to apologize. So, per mom's instructions I did. Then my dad gets home and my mom tells him what happened. Then he calls me and my sister in to recount the story again. He verifies we warned the kid to stop and then proceeds to tell my mom that we never should have apologized. Then, out the door he goes my sister and I in tow to the kids house.
My dad then begins to tell the kid's mom that he takes back our apology, our mother should have never made us apologize and that she needs to teach her child how to behave and treat people and that if her son did anything again, he would contact the school district to ensure her son wasn't on the bus with us again. Then we marched back home with explicit instructions to never be afraid to defend ourselves and tell my dad if anything happened again. Needless to say, nothing ever happened again. The kid used a different bus stop from there on out and our paths never crossed.
Three Siblings Gathered To Celebrate Their Parents’ Anniversary. Their Dad’s Response Was Priceless.
A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
"Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,"gushed son number one. "Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present."
"No worry," said Dad. "The important thing is that we're all together."
Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything... I'm sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "just glad you could be here today."
The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you.
We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married."
The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"
"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones, too!"
My elementary school believed the right hand only crap. Us left handers got punished for using our left hands instead of our right hands. We got our fingers wacked by rulers, left hands hand cuffed to desks, or taped down with duct tape. The school believed in the left hand devil hand thing.
I got them good. I started turning in unreadable papers. Teacher got mad at me. I smirked and replied that if she wanted to read it she had to let me use my left hand. She refused. My mom made a huge stink over me failing third grade. She saw my papers and asked me about it. I told her that was done with my right hand. When asked why I couldn't use my left hand, I showed her my desk with its hand cuff. My mom went ballistic. 18 teachers and the principal were fired.
My new third grade teacher was once my preschool teacher. I loved her. She didn't buy the right hand only crap. I went from failing to excelling in weeks.
I am guilty of one tiny thing. I'm ambidextrous. I can write right handed. I had to stop the evil. No one else stood up so I did.