Lady jokes

A Lady Bought a New Luxury Car, But Never Expected This To Happen

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and angrily began to complain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word “Jazz", and the radio changed to a station playing a Louis Armstrong Masterpiece. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio again and said “rock ‘n’ roll",the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily shouted, “Asshole!”

…The radio immediately cut over to Ajit Pai's press conference.

Tags: funny , lady , woman , Ajit Pai

This Old Lady Puts Young Cashier In His Place After He Says This At The Register.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right — our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Tags: old man , lady , young , cashier

Old Lady Puts Young Cashier In His Place After He Says This At The Register.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right — our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

Tags: woman , lady , green thing

Old Lady Has The Best Comeback After Being Overcharged For Her Room

A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them" the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied,"But we didn't use it!"The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.

As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"she replied."But I didn't "exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens...They didn't get that age by being stupid!

This Woman Asked A Priest For A Huge Favor. But She Had No Idea He Would Say This

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

Tags: woman , priest , lady

Both Women Were Shocked When They Saw This Strange Thing In The Ground. But What One Of Them Said Is Gold.

There was this guy who really took care of his body, He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis.

He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!" The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........

When I was 20...............I was curious about it.

When I was 30...............I enjoyed it.

When I was 40...............I asked for it.

When I was 50...............I paid for it.

When I was 60...............I prayed for it.

When I was 70...............I forgot about it.

And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!!..

Tags: women , old people , woman , lady

Pushy Salesman Wouldn’t Take No For An Answer. This Old Lady’s Response Was Priceless.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady."I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Tags: man , old lady , old people

They Heard A Slap On The Train, Then Saw This When The Lights Turned On.

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a passenger train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old-who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Tags: woman , old lady , stranger

She Asked Him To Get Her A Bra From The Store. But What Followed Is Priceless.

I ain't much for shopping,

Or for goin' into town Except at cattle-shipping time,

I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -I left the kids with Ma.

But 'fore I left, she asked me,

"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"

How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,

But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -

I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop My hat pulled over my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -I didn't hem or haw -I told that lady right straight out,

"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,

So I turned around to see Every woman in that store Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?" Well, I just scratched my head I'd only seen one kind before,

"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong. Follow me," I heard her say,

Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles That I'd never seen before I thought I'd go plumb crazy 'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,

And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -Picked a black and lacy one -I told the lady, "Bag it up,"

And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart, "A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?

That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock, Musta took her by surprise When I told her that my wife's bust Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am." This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered And they all was crackin' up When the lady asked to see my hat, To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,

I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store, Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story 'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'

But by then I didn't care.

Now she don't ask and I don't shop For women's underwear.

Tags: woman , lady

An Impatient Lady Behind Her Started Berating The Server Because Of A 5 Minute Delay. But Turns Pale When This Happened.

An impatient lady behind me at Chick-Fil-A very rudely and assertively insulted the staff and cashiers on how slow it was taking her order to be brought out.

I believe her words were "Seriously, I've been waiting five minutes for my order, and all I ordered was a chicken sandwich!".... So me and my very large mouth decided to respond to this lady. With quite clarity and purpose.

I turned around and said "16 Children Die Every 30 seconds from starvation around the world. So Mam, I believe you can survive waiting a couple minutes for your chicken sandwich." And I turned back around.

Well, apparently, the entire lobby heard me respond and after a short silence began to applaud me. And the lady publicly apologized and paid for my food. It's the little things that remind us how truly lucky we are. Be thankful.

Tags: lady , woman , impatient