There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, impeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
The lesson? Don't mess with old people.
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
This Crazy Woman Threatened To Total His Car If He Parked It On The Curb. His Comeback Is Simply Genius.
I lived across the street from a very bored stay-at-home mom whose excess idle time turned her into an insufferable busybody.
Her husband backed out of the driveway and slammed into my roommate's car parked on the curb. He apologized, gave us his insurance info, and took care of it. He was never a problem, because he accepted responsibility for what he did.
His wife, however, demanded that we never ever park any cars at the curb again, because "we can't get out of our driveway otherwise". The street was very wide - she was just completely unable to accept that the accident was her husband's fault, and figured we were somehow responsible for it, ergo we were responsible for preventing it in the future.
We told her that we would avoid parking there whenever possible, but that we still had the legal right to park on the street, and that if necessary we would still do so, and that it was her and her husband's responsibility to avoid hitting other people's legally parked cars when backing out of the driveway. She wasn't happy with that answer, but just told us we better stay out of her family's way, and stormed off.
One day, she came storming over, banging on the front door, cussing us out. We got her on our security camera saying "If you don't move that car in the next 10 minutes, I am going to total it with my truck. It'll be your fault, and you'll have to pay for the damage to my vehicle". To this, I simply responded: "I don't know whose car that is, but I didn't park it there. I have you on camera, so if you do anything to that car, I'll have to call the police and hand over this tape". She then threatened to sue me for invasion of privacy for recording her, and still insisted that we move the car, even though it wasn't our property. We just ignored her, and she did not do anything to the car - we did keep the recording though.
A few weeks later, I had a friend visit from out of town. He parked his car on the curb, and then started unloading some stuff from his trunk. She came storming out, screaming and cussing at him "I have told you repeatedly never park your car on this curb. If you don't move it, I am going to total it, and you can pay for a new goddamn car, as well as the damage you do to mine!" He tried to calm her down, and asked if there was somewhere else he could park, and she replied "You can park it in Hell, because that's where you'll be after I kill you!".
Unfortunately for her, he had his dashcam running the whole time, and it captured everything. He called the police, and she was arrested for threatening to commit vandalism and for threatening violence.
A few days later, she left a long-winded hate-letter in our mailbox. It was written as if it were an open letter from the entire neighborhood, and it basically said that "nobody knows who you are", and "Everyone wishes you would move away", and "Nobody wants you living in our neighborhood".
Thing is, she forgot about the security cameras. I took the video of her opening my mailbox -which included her taking all our letters out of the mailbox and rifling through them - and I gave them to the post office. This led to her getting arrested for a second time that week.
After that, we used her two arrests, our collection of security and dashcam footage, and her letter to get a restraining order against her that actually prohibited her from entering her own home, and then we called the police every time we saw her because she was in violation of the order.
She ended up having to live in a hotel room, and her husband came over, apologized to us, and asked if we would drop the restraining order so his wife could come home. I told him I would do it, but only if she wrote me, my wife, our roommates, and the friend of mine she threatened a 1 -page apology for her harassment - and that she would promise to never ever contact us again for any reason whatsoever moving forward.
I received no apology, and the house went on the market a week later.
His Friend Had Promised He'd Pay Him Tomorrow But One Month Later He Was Avoiding Him. How He Made Him Pay Up Is Genius.
This just happened. I wanted to share because frankly, it's hilarious.
(Also, I'm 29, not 7 years old like you might guess from reading the title.)
So back in May, I had tickets to a concert that I couldn't attend. I posted on a local ticket exchange group, and a 'friend' of mine, let's call him Tom, because his name is Tom, said he was interested. I paid $40, but me, being Mr. Nice Guy said "Here's the tickets, I was asking $40 but you can pay me $35." Tom says "Great thanks, I'll pay you tomorrow."
Great, ticket sold.
Tomorrow became next week. No worries, I know this guy, right?
I message him, He says "oh hey sure I'll pay you end of the week, sorry about that."
Sure, sounds good.
A month goes by, nothing. I message him, I text him. I see he's seeing my messages but I don't hear back.
"Well that's shitty" I say to myself.
I give it a few weeks. Shockingly, no $35!
Well then. How about some good old public shaming?
I post a very nicely worded message on his FB page.
Five minutes later, my post is deleted. No reply, no text, no messages, nothing. Well that's pretty shitty, eh?
I give it another day. Nothing.
Well I have an ace up my sleeve. I didn't want it to come to this, but I happen to know that he works at his mothers coffee shop down the street. Nice lady. The apple must have fallen down a cliff with this kid.
I call the store. "Hi, is Mrs. (Tom's mother) there? Great thanks."
I explain the situation and ask if there is anything she can do to help me. She apologizes, and says she will take care of it. As she is putting down the phone, I hear a loud "TOOMMMM?! GET OVER HERE!!" click
Ten minutes later, a notification that $50 has been transferred to my account
Mess with the Bull, I call your mom. Sorry, Tom.
His Roommate Would Use His Stuff Without His Permission All The Time. How He Taught Him A Lesson Is Gold
My roommate doesn't pay for things we both use (i.e. hand soap, toilet paper, etc.) and also has a bad habit of taking things from our fridge that isn't his. Mainly he likes to take my ice (it may seem like a small thing but with no AC, living relatively near the equator, and having our actual fridge part of our fridge fucked up we use a lot of ice). I don't mind sharing if he's out but I rarely get any ice at all it seems.
Now the both of us have our own ice tray but he never fills his up. I filled his once and he still took mine because, in his words, "your ice tray makes neater ice and it's easier to get the ice out," (It's not fancy, I just spent more than $1 on my ice tray). I've approached him several times about it and he just nods his head, says he gets it, then nothing ever changes. At that point I figured some people just had to learn some lessons the hard way.
I waited until we had run out of toilet paper and told him it was his turn to buy some (knowing full well he wouldn't), then, before I left for work the next day, I filled up my ice tray with a mixture of water and a fair amount of Magnesium Citrate (simply put it acts as a super laxative) in every cube slot.
When I got home I heard him calling from the bathroom for me and he told me that I had to go get some toilet paper. I carried on that conversation for about 20 minutes before I relented and left to get some. I came back about an hour later with a roll of single-ply skilcraft I had taken from my work before I had even left.
This all happened about an hour ago and he's already gone out and bought a few dozen rolls of toilet paper so I'd call this a success.
She Instantly Liked The Cute Guy Who Entered Her Store. But Is Stunned When This Happened As She Handed Him His Order.
(A really cute guy is on my line to buy his coffee, engrossed on his phone, texting.)
Cute guy: *still looking down at his phone*"A small Caramel Frap, please.Thanks."
Me:"Coming right up!"
(I prepare his order and come back to the counter to hand him his order.)
Me:"Here you go, sir.That'll be $4.05."
(He hands me a $5 bill and finally looks up at me. He freezes, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. I blush. This goes on for about 10 awkward seconds until he blinks rapidly.)
Cute guy:"Uhh... Yeah... Ok... I... I., uhm... I." *takes a deep breath* "Has this happened to you before?"
Me:"Uh, I am not sure what you're talking about."
Cute guy: "This!"*points his finger alternately between the two of us*
Me: "I don't really follow."
Cute guy: "You know, a guy sees your pretty face and he freezes and he almost drool? And it's so obvious that he's attracted to you big time?"
(The whole shop stands still.Their attention is on us. The other customers giggle while the others go "aw".)
Me: *I blush 10 shades darker* "Uh, not really."
(He snatches the $5 bill from my hand and takes a $100 bill from his wallet and shoves it to me.)
If You're A Woman And At The Public Restroom, You Know The Drill - But It's Never Been Said THIS Accurately.
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume"
In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold'The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN therewas no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's stillsmaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too
At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets
with the automatic sensors,.....so you wipe your
hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
They Were Listening To Comments Made By State Troopers To Offenders. But Couldn't Stop Laughing When They Heard This.
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven"
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
ANDTHE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.
The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.
The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.
When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"
The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."
A Thinner Woman Told A Bigger One That She Had No Business Wearing What She Was Buying. Geez Was She In For Some Embarrassment.
So this happens this morning.. Jol!
It's going to be a hot one today and I'm wearing a long halter style sun dress. I stop at the grocery store for a couple things and while standing in line....a few people behind me and one in front of me yet. There's a younger, thin & pretty lady behind me. She leaned over to me and said...quietly but not quiet enough.J'honey, older & larger ladies really shouldn't wear dresses like that.Jt's not very flattering".
Without batting an eye or hesitating...! put a shocked look on my face, looked down at myself and said VERY loudly "OMG! I'm a larger lady? Why didn't somebody tell me?!!" and her face turned bright red....then with my sweetest smile....! added "Honey (emphasis on honey) ...I dress for my comfort....not yours".
The lady at the register had the biggest grin on her face and the other people in line actually applauded.
People.....dress for you....it's hot....be
comfortable...piss on those that aren't!
Love you all!