At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spend da money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
Just met a woman in line at Ulta. She had at least $800 worth of red lipsticks, eye shadows, mascara, lotions, glitter, foundation, wax for hair removal, bath bombs, perfume, etc. I complimented her on her collection of items. She told me she's getting her revenge. Never a good thing to say at the beginning of a conversation so I knew this was gonna be one for the books. Said her husband was taking these "business trips" every Friday through Sunday's for the past six months after never having to travel before. She said she did some research and realized these "trips" were 25 miles away to a house that didn't seem to have anything to do with the company.
Well, I caught on pretty quickly. She explained to me what she was going to do with all her stuff. Write words on the walls best left unsaid with the lipstick, glitter bomb the whole house, mix foundation in soapy water and throw it in the floor, pour wax on his favorite chair and tv, lotion up the windows, put eye shadow in the food, etc. Not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed. She said "that's nothing, I just left Adam and Eve's and bought $ 1000 worth of sex toys and items I could get my hands on. I'm going to hang the toys from the ceiling, put them in the fridge, lay them in the shower, put them in the mailbox, throw them on the roof, slash the costumes and lay them on the floors. He's going to get a wonderful surprise when he gets home tomorrow."
I felt really bad that she's going through this and said its a shame he choose this. She stopped me and said "he's one of those guys, the ones who doesn't know what he has until it's gone. The kind that sees an attractive woman and wants to have her on his arm without realizing what he already has. The kind of man that's weak and takes what he has for granted." Now I could tell this women wasn't crazy, literally, you can see the crazy ones from a mile away. She might be crazy now but damn, she's strong. She said "I was hurt at first, seven years of marriage down the drain, but I'm stronger now. Instead of killing him, I'm going to destroy him."
We continued to talk and everyone in line has heard this story by now, even the staff for Ulta. People were offering to help pay for her items and offering their help to mess up the house they had built their memories in. She proceeded to say "y'all are more than welcomed to come help me slash up the house, but everything I'm buying, it's going on his credit card. I already took my stuff, money, and I'm headed on vacation tomorrow morning" Holds up her husbands card, and I swear, if we had drinks, we would of drank to that. That cashier slid that card with a biggest smile on her face and said "I hope you kick his ass, tiger".
A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied,"But we didn't use it!"The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"she replied."But I didn't "exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens...They didn't get that age by being stupid!
Four guys have been going on the same trip for many years.
A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.
"Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked,
'Guess who?"' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'...
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, boys, here I am!
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh... no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
He said “No!’’trying to hide his arousal.
She said.....“Check the garage for your car.”
A man staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entry way.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those darn Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. '
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.. Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night".
He Said His Wife’s Beauty Only Went South While His Net Worth Increased. But His Wife Reply Shut Him Up For Good
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
His Wife Got Very Sick And He Had To Do All The Chores At The House. But What Actually Happened Is Priceless.
My wife has been in bed sick since Friday. Sunday is our house cleaning day. We usually split it although I admit she does most of it.
She hasn't been feeling well all week and had let some stuff go. So I set to work doing it.
I cleaned out the fridge, there was a ton of expired food.
Did 3 loads of dishes that had piled in the sink.
8 bags of trash went out.
Started laundry still at it today
Grocery shopping (I usually do this but she makes the list.)
Cooking meals (I usually do this anyway)
Got up and took her to the doctor today.
Went to work
Picked up my 12yo step son from school just now and he is sick too. I'd been hoping he could help me or at least keep me company.
Dinner is in the oven another load of dishes going
Still have laundry to finish and I feel like crying.
I don't know how she does so much and with a smile on her face too.