Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it', she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day'.
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it'.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding'.
A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.
He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.
When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one.
He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.
She looked at each one carefully and then replied:
"It's the redhead."
"Wow! How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied:
"Because I can't stand HER."
Her Mother-In-Law Replied Condescendingly When She Asked For Her Help. But What The Daughter-In-Law Said Next Is Priceless
A woman who was married to her irresponsible husband had to raise a kid on her own because the so-called man of the house was always out at the bar with his friends, and when he wasn't, he was always slacking off at home.
She called up her mother-in-law during a particularly hard day, whom she wasn't always on the best of terms with because she tended to side with her son rather than offer the woman any sort of support.
The woman asked, "Could you tell me who changes the child if it poops itself? Is it the dad or the mom?"
"It is always the mother, honey," said the mother-in-law condescendingly.
"OK then "said the woman. "Could you come over please? Your son got drunk and sh*t himself."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
The two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
`Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon.
Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
I think this will work with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain as how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a housewife / mother?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mother."
"We don't list 'Mother' as an occupation ... 'housewife' covers it," said the clerk emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire!
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (which mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (the whole bloody family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money. "
There was an increasing note of respect in the girl's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.
When I got home, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 10, 7 and 3. Upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had triumphed over bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mother."
Motherhood ... What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations", and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you Into the middle of next week!"
" Because I said so, that's why."
MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
In case you're In an accident."
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
’‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through It."
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you Into this world, and I can take you out.."
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you
"Just wait until we get home."
"You are going to get It when you get home!"
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
"You're just like your father."
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were bom in a barn?"
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!