Old jokes

A Soldier Ran Up To A Nun Then This Happened

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied: "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

The nun said: "I understand completely."

The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!

Tags: soldier , nun

This Rich Lawyer Wouldn't Make Room For An Old Man On The Train. Then He Saw This.

There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, impeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.

The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.

As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.

So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.

I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.

I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.

Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.

Now THAT is a humbling experience.

The lesson? Don't mess with old people.

Tags: lawyer , old man , man

As We Get Old, We Often Switch Roles With Our Children. This Prose About It Will Touch Your Heart.

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry I'll run if I'm able! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll sit close to the TV, through channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

Tags: children , old , old people

This Old Lady Puts Young Cashier In His Place After He Says This At The Register.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right — our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Tags: old man , lady , young , cashier

This Old Man Had The Best Response After A Young Child Embarrassed His Mother.

My three-year-oId son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo... I asked one more time, "Matty, did you have an accident?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE,

MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time... I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

Tags: old man , kids , mother , son

This Elderly Man Wrote This Letter To His Son, But Didn’t Expect This In Return

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Papa,

I'd do anything for you, Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

Tags: man , son , old man

Old Lady Has The Best Comeback After Being Overcharged For Her Room

A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them" the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied,"But we didn't use it!"The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.

As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"she replied."But I didn't "exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens...They didn't get that age by being stupid!

Customers Were Upset When This Veteran Received A Discount. But His Reply Was Priceless.

(I work at a clothing department store. We don't offer a discount to our military, but we do have deals going on all the time. I overhear a customer speaking as if he has a military background. He eventually comes up to the counter.)

Me: "Hi, I couldn't help but overhear, but what branch are you?"

Military Customer: "I am in the Marine Corps. I did a tour in Iraq for a while."

Me: "In that case, I can see that you forgot your coupon! That's not a problem; we'll take 30% off for you!"

(The next customer behind him starts yelling.)

Next Customer: "I deserve my 30% off!"

(The next customer begins to yell.)

Next Customer: "You gave that discount to him! Why can't I get the discount?"

(The military customer calmly walks over, and takes off his prosthetic left arm. The next customer's eyes get really large.)

Military Customer: "Don't worry, the 30% discount only costs an arm and a leg; give or take a bit."

(The next customer flees without buying anything. Thank you to all of our military, and especially the ones with great humor!)

This Woman Really Had To Pass Gas, So She Did This When Her Husband Left The Room.

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I knew I shouldn't have done).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

Tags: blindfold , woman

The old man is lying on his death bed at the ripe old age of 97. What happens next is Gold

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"

"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.

"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"

"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.

"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"

"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.

"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.

"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"