When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry I'll run if I'm able! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied,"But we didn't use it!"The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"she replied."But I didn't "exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens...They didn't get that age by being stupid!
Ishmael is lying on his death bed...
...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"
"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.
"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"
"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.
"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"
"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.
"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"
"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.
"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.
"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.
"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
He Said His Wife’s Beauty Only Went South While His Net Worth Increased. But His Wife Reply Shut Him Up For Good
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Both Women Were Shocked When They Saw This Strange Thing In The Ground. But What One Of Them Said Is Gold.
There was this guy who really took care of his body, He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!" The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20...............I was curious about it.
When I was 30...............I enjoyed it.
When I was 40...............I asked for it.
When I was 50...............I paid for it.
When I was 60...............I prayed for it.
When I was 70...............I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!!..
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want 100 dollars, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
"Paint my house."
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady."I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
This Guy Kept Tailgating And Honking Repeatedly On A Snowy Road To This Old Lady. What Happened Next Was Gold
Last Thursday, we experienced a lot of snow and freezing rain. I was driving home cautiously since the road were unplowed and in very bad condition. Naturally, a person zips right behind me and begins to tailgate me. I am not going to speed up and risk killing myself or others, so I maintain a safe speed. The tailgater begins to honk at me, repeatedly, even as we pass multiple people stuck in the snow on the side of the road.
After tailgating and honking incessantly at me for a solid five minutes, he zooms past me and barrels down the road. Not 100 meters ahead, he reaches a sharp turn, loses his traction, and slides straight into a snowbank. He immediately tries to back out of it, but his tires spin uselessly in the snow.
He jumps out of his car and flags me down for help.
I stop my car and he makes a visible gesture of relief. I lay on my horn for about 10 seconds, and drive off.
Those were one of the best 10 seconds of my life.