Patient jokes

This Med Student Diagnoses Patient With Lymphoma. But Then This Happens.

This happened to me yesterday. I'm in my last year of med school and am spending a month in an outpatient internal medicine clinic working with "Dr. Jones."

Dr. Jones told me that the next patient, a 75 year old lady named "Mrs. Smith," was undergoing chemotherapy for a really early grade lymphoma. Not a big deal. Nowadays it's a chronic disease... you'll die with the lymphoma, not from it. Anyway, Mrs. Smith was presenting with a cough that was unrelated to her lymphoma. I went in to see Mrs. Smith.

"So Mrs. Smith, how long have you had this cough? any other symptoms? You coughing up anything?" etc. Then I say "So I understand you just finished chemotherapy. Is that correct?"

"yes."

"and that was for...?"

(no response)

"that was for...?"

(no response)

"that was for a lymphoma. Correct?"

"wait. I have lymphoma?"

[oh shit]

"um, yes. I was under the impression that you have a low grade lymphoma. Is that correct?"

"I have lymphoma?? I have lymphoma? are you saying I have lymphoma??"

"Well, you have a blood-based neoplasia. Is that correct?

A lymphoma. Or a leukemia."

"I have leukemia??! What are you saying?? Oh no!!"

"well, I must be mistaken. Don't worry, I'll talk to the doctor about this and we'll square things out. Anyway, about your cough..."

I was in a panic. How could this woman not know that she had a lymphoma? She was undergoing chemotherapy for something. She had to know what it was, right? Maybe she was in denial and never actually heard the words lymphoma. I was so nervous. I was sweating bullets. I rushed through a throat and lung exam and ran back into Dr. Jones' office.

"Dr. Jones, you're gonna kill me. I told Mrs. Smith she has a lymphoma and she said 'I have a lymphoma??'"

She responds, "oh, well, we'll figure that out."

So we go into the room together. Dr. Jones sits down next to Mrs. Smith, puts her hand on her shoulder, looks her in the eye and says, "Mrs. Smith, you know you have a lymphoma, right?"

"Yeah, I do. I was just messing around with your med student."

An Impatient Lady Behind Her Started Berating The Server Because Of A 5 Minute Delay. But Turns Pale When This Happened.

An impatient lady behind me at Chick-Fil-A very rudely and assertively insulted the staff and cashiers on how slow it was taking her order to be brought out.

I believe her words were "Seriously, I've been waiting five minutes for my order, and all I ordered was a chicken sandwich!".... So me and my very large mouth decided to respond to this lady. With quite clarity and purpose.

I turned around and said "16 Children Die Every 30 seconds from starvation around the world. So Mam, I believe you can survive waiting a couple minutes for your chicken sandwich." And I turned back around.

Well, apparently, the entire lobby heard me respond and after a short silence began to applaud me. And the lady publicly apologized and paid for my food. It's the little things that remind us how truly lucky we are. Be thankful.

Tags: lady , woman , impatient

This Nurse Promised Not To Laugh At Her Patient. Then She Saw This.

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient,"I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said , "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

Oh my.;-)

Tags: Nurse , patient , giggle

New Doctor Asks His Mentor How He Diagnoses His Patients So Fast. They Don't Teach You This In Med School.

A young doctor moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount that you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?

"I didn't have to. You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick."

"Huh", said the young doctor. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I am feeling terribly run down lately."

"You have probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the older doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive to it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Student Nurse Gets A Horn When Her Patient Asks Her

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,'" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

30 Actual Sentences Found In Real Patients Hospital Charts.

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband,

I thought you might like to work her up.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22.1 saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Tags: Patients , jokes , funny

Doctor Expresses Concern For This 80-Year-Old Patient. Until His Wife Says This.

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been peein' in the refrigerator!"