A Man Just Found Out A Secret Thing. Then He Decided To Give It A Try. But Never Expected This
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
They Were Listening To Comments Made By State Troopers To Offenders. But Couldn't Stop Laughing When They Heard This.
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven"
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
ANDTHE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
My first car was a 1984 Jeep CJ7, a pretty sweet ride for a dirt poor teenager in the 90s. I was working midnights at a gas station and loaned it to my brother who was taking a date to a party. I got a call around 1 AM from my brother who told me he left the keys in the Jeep and it was stolen.
I was devastated. I was still on the phone with my brother when the thieves pulled my Jeep into my gas station to fill up on gas. As luck would have it, the gas gauge on my Jeep was broken and always read "empty", and I worked at the only 24 hour gas stations in the area. I pressed the silent alarm and... proceeded to fill up my Jeep (it was a full serve station). When the thieves were out of the jeep, I saw an opportunity to slip the key out of this ignition and into my pocket.
They paid for the gas, and argued amongst each other who had the keys last. The delay was enough for the police to arrive. I had to explain the story to the officer half a dozen times before he understood. The thieves had this stunned look of disbelief on their faces I'll never forget. The cops were belly-laughing telling the story to dispatch, all the while the thieves sat in cuffs in the back of the squad car.
The story made most of the major newspapers the following day.
This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC.
As the truck drove away-one of the pigs fell out.
The redneck walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.
He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on.
He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.
The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat.
The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"
The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well-today I'm taking him to the movies!"
The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?" The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"
The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go."
The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!" The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"
The husband replies "He says he knows you."
This Woman Honked And Screamed At Him For Stopping On A Yellow Light. But What Followed Is Priceless
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally......
I assumed you had stolen the car."
A Policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorny during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...
Q: 'Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Police Officers Were Shocked When A Little Girl Told Them Her Dad Was Smuggling Alcohol. But The Reality Is Priceless
Long before life took over and complicated things, I was once a princess and my daddy was definitely the handsomest man in my four-year-old world. I especially liked the way he winked and his sense of fun. Sometimes, however, it got us both into a spot of trouble.
One unusually warm fall afternoon, we were out for a ride, just Daddy and me. In the days before air conditioning, seat belts and car seats, I sat alone in the back enjoying the breeze that swept through the car's open windows. At the same time, I found myself mesmerized by a mysterious glass jug sitting next to me. Fascinated by the reddish glow that sparkled in the sun, my fingers lightly played over the glass container, feeling the heat that seemed to come from inside it.
"Daddy, what's this?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.
"Moonshine." He winked at me in the rearview mirror.
"Moonshine?" I repeated the word trying to comprehend what he meant exactly.
"Just for you," he added with a grin.
Moonshine, I thought to myself as I carefully looked over the amazing jar. It certainly looks like something that came from far away. Suddenly, it all made perfect sense. My daddy had gone up to the sky and caught some shine right from the moon. He put it in this jug and brought it back to Earth for me. I bet no other daddy had ever done that before! I was one lucky little girl.
Totally awestruck, I clutched the gallon jug, amazed by the magical substance inside. It seemed to glow even brighter, glistening in the afternoon sun. Just wait until everyone sees this! My very own moonshine in my very own glass jug!
Wrapped up in my imagination, I absently felt the car come to a stop. Looking up and through the windshield, I could see a red light dangling above us on a thick wire. I let my jug go long enough to climb onto my knees and peer out the open window on the passenger side.
Two policemen sat next to us in their patrol car, also with their windows rolled down. As we all waited for the red light to turn green, I couldn't contain my excitement for another second, so I hollered out to them: "My daddy's got moonshine in the back seat!"
They both turned to look at me, and then they looked at each other. The driver peered at my daddy. "Pull the car over, sir." He wasn't smiling.
"But officer...," my daddy tried.
"Just pull the car over, sir — now."
The two policemen parked directly behind us and asked my daddy and me to get out of the car. They then proceeded to search it, front seat, back seat and trunk. They even opened the hood.
"See, Daddy," I was hopping from one foot to the other, "the policemen want to see the moonshine, too!"
My daddy didn't say a word. He just closed his eyes and shook his head as we stood there waiting.
Finally, one of the officers held up my glass jug. "Sir, what's in here?"
"Just what the label says," Daddy sighed. "It's apple cider. Open it and have a taste if you want."
"But your daughter said..."
"I know. I told her it was moonshine," my dad admitted sheepishly. "She has no idea what that is."
Their serious faces suddenly turned into smiles and then peals of laughter followed. "Here you go, little lady." One of the officers held the door for me and helped me climb back into the car.
His partner handed over the glass bottle with a grin. "Take good care of your moonshine, Honey."
As we all drove away, I tightly held on to my bottle of moonshine. After all, it wasn't every princess whose daddy took a trip to the moon.