Stupid jokes

A Man Called A Locksmith Because He Couldn’t Get In His Car, But Was Stunned When He Said This.

I'll preface this by saying I'm usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I'll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker - as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nada.

I call a locksmith, explain that I'm locked out of my car. He says he'll be right over. 20 minutes later he arrives. He walks up with his tools, inserts a thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff in the doorjamb. He starts making conversation as it inflates, pushing the door open:

'So locked your keys in the car? No problem sir, I'll have it open in a minute.'

'No, my keys are right here, my key fob is dead.' I replied.

He stops and for about 10 seconds. Doesn't say a word. He sees my keys in my hands. Takes them from me, inserts them in the lock and opens the door.

I was mortified. I was so in a habit of opening the doors with my remote fob that I entirely forgot that keys could be used to unlock cars manually. He started laughing so hard I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. After he stopped laughing, he told me there was no charge. The story he'd have to tell was worth the drive out.

Tags: man , stupid , car , locksmith

I had a problem with my computer yesterday. This Happened

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:


I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

Tags: computer , stupid , bastard

This Customer Was Abusing & Giving Him Physical Threats. But His Response Is Genius.

(I work at a complaints and returns desk. We generally get a few unreasonable and abusive customers each day, so we’ve developed a very effective tactic for dealing with them.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You guys are idiots!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Look at this receipt! Look at it!”

(He holds up a receipt for a purchase; it looks normal enough.)

Me: “Is there a problem with it?”

Customer: “God, you’re so dumb! Look how faint the ink is! I can barely read it! You want me to go blind?!”

Me: “Ah, well, it looks like the printer’s ink was running a little low, and it can look faded because of that. Would you like me to reprint it so you can read it?”

Customer: “NO! Then you’ll just get away with it! Stupid idiots!”

(The customer starts getting worked up and begins a rant full of swear words and physical threats. I realise what the situation calls for.)

Me: “I am terribly, terribly sorry sir. That looks like Murray did it. What an idiot!”

(This stops the customer’s rant in his tracks and looks at me, breathless.)

Customer: “...Murray?”

Me: “Yes, Murray! He’s always causing problems for customers like you. It’s really unfair. I’ll deal with it right now.” *calling out* “Murray? Come here!”

(As per protocol, the nearest male coworker who isn’t busy comes over to play the role of Murray.)

Male Coworker: “Yes?”

Me: “How dare you upset this customer! You’re fired! Get out!”

Male Coworker: *acts dejected* “I’m so sorry...”

(“Murray” shuffles off looking like he’s about to cry, and once out of sight gets right back to work.)

Me: “There we are, sir. You don’t have to worry about that sort of thing happening ever again. The customer always comes first, and we take complaints very seriously. Have a nice day! ”

Customer: “Wow, you guys are really great! Thanks, and good riddance to that idiot Murray!” ♦leaves*

(This isn’t simply to avoid confrontation; our manager estimates that using the “Murray” tactic to placate customers like this saves us nearly an hour of verbal abuse each day, so we have more time to actually help the customers who need it.)

Tags: customer , idiots , stupid

A Blonde Goes To Work In Tears. Her Boss Is Stunned When She Says This

A blonde goes to work in tears.

Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again.

He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Tags: blonde , boss , short , stupid

This Interviewer Asks A Farmer Some Questions About His Cows. Farmer's Replies Is Hysterical

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine.

Her Husband Was Annoyed With Her When She Said Wine Is Better Than Water. But The Wife's Response Is Hilarious

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service!!

Tags: husband , wife , wine , water , stupid

A Flight Is On Its Way To Sydney When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up, And Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down. Then This Happens

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

Life Of Juan. Juan Was The Custodian At A Local Grade School. Everyone Loved Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"

And Juan said:

"You know, I've never thought about that before, but why not?"

So Juan got up in front of the people in town and gave a speech:

"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog"

Now politicians tend to be dishonest, but the people of this town knew Juan, and his statements hit home with them. Juan was elected by a landslide.

Juan worked tirelessy to clean up the schools, day and night, instituting new programs and fixing the curriculum. In a very short time graduation rates doubled and test scores shot up.

Then one day the governer died of a heart attack, and the people who Juan worked with closely on the board suggested Juan run.

Juan said:

"Well I've never thought about that before, but why not?"

Juan gave a speech to his state:

"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids and I love my dog"

The state went wild for such an honest and loveable man and he was elected.

As governer he made his home state a wonderful place to live, businesses boomed, communities were peaceful, crime was down and employment was up. Everyone loved Juan.

Then one day Juan was approached by a political group that endorses candidates for major offices. They asked Juan if he would like to run for president.

Juan said:

"Hmm, I've never thought about tbat before, but why not?"

Juan stood before the American people and said:

"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog."

The crowd goes ballistic, the American people lose their god damn minds. No candidate had ever been so universally loved like Juan.

Juan is elected President of the United States.

A few years go by. Juan keeps every one of his campaign promises. Unemployment is down to basically nothing, the economy is booming, the national debt is on its way to being paid off.

Then reality hits Juan.

He has no where to go from here.

Juan becomes depressed. He starts drinking heavily.

One day he is sitting in the Oval office drunk as a skunk when his wife comes in. She wants funding for a new project. Juan doesn't listen. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then Juan's children come into the oval office wanting the time and attention of their father. He shoots them a well. Lastly his dog comes trotting in looking for a walk or a treat but he shoots the dog as well.

This doesn't sit well with the American people. He is arrested and put up for impeachment but is able to make bail and get out for a while before the trial, but he's not allowed back in the white house and he doesn't have a home.

Juan wandered the streets with a heavy heart when it started to rain. Juan finds a dumpster, lifts the loud and starts to climb in. A homeless man jumps up from inside the dumpster and pushes Juan away.

"This is my dumpster" said the homeless man.

"Please let me share it tonight" said Juan

"No . . . Wait a minute, I know you." Said the homeless man, "you're Juan! You're that sick son of a bitch that killed his wife, and kids, and dog!"

"I know" said Juan "but please, I have nowhere to go"

The homeless man told Juan to go away, but Juan just begged and begged. Eventually the homeless man pulled out a golf gun and shot him.

What's a golf gun?

Well I don't know either, but it sure shot a hole in Juan.