A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote. She Never Expects This
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
My Mom was a language teacher at my high school and years after I had graduated, she called me kind of upset because a group of guys were trying to make her look dumb.
The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish, and had a week or so to prepare it, then had to perform it in front of the class.
When she called for them to do theirs, they said, "But we already did ours, we're not doing it again."
She said, "You definitely didn't do it, I don't have any record of it here and I would remember it if you had."
They refused to do it, insisting they already performed it and that it was her fault she didn't take notes/scores down.
She was feeling puzzled and questioning herself, when one of the good kids came and said, "They didn't do it - they were bragging about making you look stupid and threatened the whole class if they told you anything. But please don't tell them I told you this, I don't want any problems with them."
(These were those stereotypical dumb jock types who everyone was scared of for whatever reason).
My mom was really into yoga at the time and got a great idea while meditating. She went in the next day and said, "Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don't know how I forgot!"
She went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, that their dialogue hadn't been as long as required, that they didn't include the necessary vocabulary, etc. All made up. She failed them all on the project and they couldn't do a thing about it without admitting they'd made it all up.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time. But the Professor never expects this
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said:
“A dove should not be friends with a donkey.”
“Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile.
The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams.
In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
“You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”
“I don't agree. I would choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.”
“Everyone would choose what they don't have” says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
“Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
This Kid's Mom Couldn't Care Less When The Teacher Complained About Him Cussing In Class. The Teacher's Comeback Is Genius.
My friend's mom used to teach 8th Grade English in the local public school system. One day a student cussed her out, so she called his mom. The mom didn't do anything about it so the kid did it again a few days later.
The mom was called again and still she couldn't care less. A few days later the boy cussed her out again, but this time the teacher called his grandmother.
She immediately came to the school, dragged him by the hair to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, and beat his behind.
Grandma then said if he does it again then she should call her. That boy never said another swear word in that teacher's presence again.
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.This happened several times.
When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied,'Then you ask him.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white"
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Bobby shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
My elementary school believed the right hand only crap. Us left handers got punished for using our left hands instead of our right hands. We got our fingers wacked by rulers, left hands hand cuffed to desks, or taped down with duct tape. The school believed in the left hand devil hand thing.
I got them good. I started turning in unreadable papers. Teacher got mad at me. I smirked and replied that if she wanted to read it she had to let me use my left hand. She refused. My mom made a huge stink over me failing third grade. She saw my papers and asked me about it. I told her that was done with my right hand. When asked why I couldn't use my left hand, I showed her my desk with its hand cuff. My mom went ballistic. 18 teachers and the principal were fired.
My new third grade teacher was once my preschool teacher. I loved her. She didn't buy the right hand only crap. I went from failing to excelling in weeks.
I am guilty of one tiny thing. I'm ambidextrous. I can write right handed. I had to stop the evil. No one else stood up so I did.
A teacher asks the class to name things that ends with Tor and that eats things
First boy: Alligator
Teacher: Very Good that's a big word Second boy : Predator
Teacher: Yes, That's another big word.Well done
Little Johnny: Vibrator.
After nearly falling off her chair
Teacher: That is a big word,but it doesn't eat anything
Johnny: well my aunt has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!!!
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said" replied the boy.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
Susie said "We live on a farm and I was collecting eggs from the hen house one day. I gathered the eggs and put them in my basket and set off running toward the house. While running I tripped over a rock and smashed all of the eggs."
"So what's the moral of the story Susie?" Asked the teacher.
"Don't put all of your eggs in one basket," said Susie.
Next it was Billy's turn to go.
"We also live on a farm," said Billy. "We have incubators to help our eggs hatch. One night there was a thunderstorm and lightning knocked out the power to the incubators."
"So what's the moral of that story Billy?" Asked the teacher.
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch," said Billy.
The teacher turned to Janie. "Janie, do you have a story to share?'
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"He said don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."